Докато се ровех из плейлистите в уинапм, намерих тази стара позабравена песен и от няколко дни само нея слушам…незнам защо всеки път ме побиват тръпки като я чуя. Исках да сложа и видео, но няма.
“Толкова” - Слави Трифонов
Толкова неща съм отминавал,
Толкова любов забравил съм до днес.
С толкова сълзи съм бил прощаван до сега,
Толкова ръце са ме изпращали!
Ше идва лятото, след него есента,
ще литнат спомени и пак не спя.
За да мога отново при вас да се върна
с обич и щастие да ви подаря!
Като огън ще паля и топля сърцата,
ще хвърлям в очите ви огнени звезди тази нощ,
тази нощ, тази нощ.
Толкова мечти съм разпиляла,
пътища и дни от мен избягали!
Толкова слънца и бели птици срещнах аз,
толкова очи са ме обичали!
Ше идва лятото, след него есента,
ще литнат спомени и пак не спя.
Ше идва лятото,след него есента,
ще литнат спомени и пак не спя.
Mainly after my mother left (7th grade) I started more consciously to care how I looked like, what I was eating, what I was doing, etc. The main contribution was my grandmother’s because I kept hearing how stupid I was, how people think I was not good for anything and what b**ch I was and so on (she directly said that, I don’t make it up, but I’m not saying it for compassion, just to get to the point).
So first I started caring how I looked like. I stopped eating at school breaks (and it was another way to save money), stopped eating bread and oily stuff at home. In the course of time, I just always kept caring what I was eating and every time I ate something “wrong” I felt guilty. I started caring what clothes I was wearing and how I behaved with others. In a result, I started closing more and more in myself. Then in 8th grade started the obsession with the grades. I just needed to prove them I was not as stupid as they thought, so I kept straight excellent grades. And year after year I kept doing all these, but my self-esteem kept going down. I have never been satisfied enough with myself. At some point around the end of 11th grade, I started changing a little, but not much. Even now I realize I haven’t changed much. I watch out what I eat, how my hair look, teeth, clothes look like. I feel guilty when I don’t have time for fitness, I almost got sick when I found out I gained 4 pounds after Christmas break and when my grades are not all As. Gosh, is this going end some day? I know there are no perfect people and there are always people that are better than me, but still….
The reason for this post is that I ate two bars of Sneakers in a row yesterday because I have been studying all day for the finals and I just needed to eat something. And I just caught myself feeling guilty that I shouldn’t have eaten them and again for how long I haven’t exercise. And just like that I realized I have been doing it for years.
I decided to take a break and watch “Shall we dance?” and once again realized how much I love dancing and how much I miss the Latino dance classes I have been taking back home
This isn’t a new feeling for me and I have progress in overcoming it, but still…This week is just unhumanly busy..sometimes I don’t know which is reality which is a dream..everything is meesed up in one…It’s not only for me, of course, but still in those crazy moments I found out I’m most vulnerable and it’s the easiest time to get desperate. My main concern right now is this semester’s GPA. I have a feeling it won’t be again 4.00-yes, I’m perfectionist because I have always done good, but I want to be perfect-how others do it? Not that I’m doing bad, but mainly with the International relations I don’t know what will happen. I study as much as I can, the professor was missing for 2 months and now every point matters because we don’t have time for many quizes or exams. The material is hard to study, mainly when he wants us to know every word I studied till the middle of the night last night, and today I felt so helpless when I couldn’t write everything on the quiz. I almost started crying in class-STUPID!!!
Before a while I saw the several posts Lyd wrote in her group about who is accepted where-I’m very happy because it appears this year’s group is quite strong if I can call it this way. But also I start thinking about my bad results, and how I make a lot of plans for next year, and how probably I will not go to the college I really like, but the college which will give enough money and where everybody goes(probably Smith or Mount Holyoke). I don’t say they are bad colleges, but there is just something that bothers me..I don’t know… I can’t explain it.
Ohh I’m so tired right now and I feel like writhing a whole bunch of negaitve stuff…
Oh, also one of my best friends at home, who applied to Cottey last year, but the scholarship wasn’t enough, told me today she was accepted again and asked for advise. Oh, boy, the email I wrote wasn’t very encouraging, but what can I say…if I was in her position, studying Japanese and having family to which I’m very close, I won’t come here probably. No matter what, I’m here mainly because I was motivated to escape from my grandparents and all the stupid stuff that was around me. Am I happy here? Yes, I’m glad for the edication and the opportunities I have, but always something bothers me that I could have done more. It will always bother me that I probably disappointed Lyd with my disastrous results, despite the year off, and all these…
I know the fact I became the SGA President is not little, and also today I found out I’m the student of the month,and I was in Top 10 in my class last semester and let’s hope this one, too, so what more I can ask for somebody would say? Well, I don’t know…why I still feel stupid sometimes? Why it is so hard to believe in myself?
I know it will sound abstract, but all these questions just keep torturing me.
How could you define a friend? Are there such things as friends forever or at least friends until something very serious does not separate us? I’m talking about all this because of a girl I know since 8th grade. We were in the same class and now we are in the same college. However, since the beggining of the year things always have been half good, half bad. Always some misunderstanding, silence, tension. One day everything is fine, the next day she will not talk to me. OK, I don’t accept friendship like that. Why with the other girl here that we did not know each other before so well, everything get along great? Since a month ago things got worse than ever. She will not ask me for lunch or dinner, even not sit with me (or us), or if she sits, she will not say a word. OK, I now it is very hard time of the year, mainly with all this transfer stuff and uncertainty, but aren’t firends for both good and bad moments? Or maybe I don’t have the right to expect from her what I would do? Maybe she is different and likes it this way. After the last “quarrel” when I cried again because I felt hurt when somebody I consider very close behaves very rude, we pretty much stopped seeing each other, talking or anything. I miss her and I don’t feel comfortable around her without talking. I sent her an email (because when I try to talk about that I just start crying) just to tell her I’m always there for her and when she feels like talking, she could always come, but I got no answer. It is so hard just to let everything go. I hate such relations and feel guilty as usual that maybe the problem is with me, but she is not saying it. I actually don’t know what to think…I try not to pay too much attention, but still..
I’m feeling special. I’m the new SGA President. I still can’t believe it. Well, I won’t be a peer listener this way, but I will be more active on this position. I’m the first international student being a president of SGA and also I will be the only Bulgarian here next year…I’m feeling special…and more confident..yeeeeeee pretty much now every freshmen on campus knows me
Гледам да взимам интересни часове или поне един-два да не са толкова свързани с четене като пияното и хора този семестър. Не съм от най-активните тази година освен, че съм в SGA май друго по-важно няма. Догодина ще съм Peer Listener, Golden Key и все по-сериозно си мисля да се пробвам за президент на SGA (изборите са след седмица). Е, няма гаранция, че ще ме изберът, но ако не това все ще си остана като Senator-at-Large. Това ще е добра възможност да говоря повече пред хора, да се срещам с по-голям диапазон от хора и да стана малко по-уверена. Малко се притеснявам да не си разваля GPA-то, нали съм си маниак и все за 4.00 се блъскам. Освен това от както съм се прибрала от ваканцията гледам да ходя по-често на фитнес, старая се да се сприятелявам с различни хора. Знам, че винаги може повече, но все пак не съм се заключила в стаята и да не искам да виждам никой. И все пак нещо ми липсва…независимо колко съм заета все не се чувствам 100% на място..не мога да го обясня точно…Уж казват с времето ще станат нещата, но ще видим.
Тези дни пак непрекъснато се разговори кой се прибира, защо, кога и т.н. И отново осъзнах, че не всичко е толкова просто-не мога просто да си хвана багажа и да кажа “Отивам си за ваканцията” (както някой хора правят). Защо искам да се прибера за другата Коледа? Ами вече ми избиват лудите тук, самотно ми е, искам да се видя с приятели, може би и с него, да си върна част от багажа, защото нали по всяко време трябва да съм в състояние да си събера багажа в два куфара, също мога да държа TOEFL, защото поне от към пътни няма да е толкова скъпо (тук ще трябва да дам поне 50-60$ за газ, за да ме закарат до тест центъра).
Преди всичко друго трябва да видя какво ще изкарам лятото, но после се почва чуденето ами ако ме приемат някъде другата година все ще има пари за плащане, а може и да са доста, т.е трябва да остана и другото лято да работя (евентуално). Да, това е думата, която ползвам най-често (евентуално и ако), защото все нещо трябва да стане, за да стане ясно друго нещо и така до безкрай.
А защо не мога да се почувставам тук достатъчно добре, за да нямам нужда да се прибирам? Каква е гаранцията, че като се прибера с половината хора, с които сме уж приятели вече няма да са ми толкова близки. То сега след 7 месеца вече се чувставам супер отдалечена, да не говорим за още толкова или година.
Поне като го напиша не се чувставам гузна, че говоря с хората за едно и също нещо. Това му е хубавото на блога-никога не се оплаква и не се чувстам досадна
Гледах най-после Atonement. Може би защото бях предупредена, че е тъжен и не плаках. За разлика от The Notebook, на който просто се скъсах, може би защото повече ми напомняше за него..имаше реплики, който все едно слушах него, а не актьора, който ги казва. Еми да, аз на филми и песни, които ми напомнят за мен и него плача най-много…еми какво да се прави като съм безнадежна романтичка.
For a very long time I haven’t heard a song that gives me creeps while I listen to it. Well, this one is such. I just can’t stop listening it..it just says everything I want to say…
Enrique - “Sombody’s me”
You, do you remember me?
Like I remember you?
Do you spend your life
Going back in your mind to that time?
Because I, I walk the streets alone
I hate being on my own
And everyone can see that I really fell
And I’m going through hell
Thinking about you with somebody elseSomebody wants you
Somebody needs you
Somebody dreams about you every single night
Somebody can’t breath without you, it’s lonely
Somebody hopes that one day you will see
That Somebody’s Me [2x]
How, How could we go wrong
It was so good and now it’s gone
And I pray at night that our paths soon will cross
And what we had isn’t lost
Cause you’re always right here in my thoughts
Somebody wants you
Somebody needs you
Somebody dreams about you every single night
Somebody can’t breath without you, it’s lonely
Somebody hopes that one day you will see
That Somebody’s Me [2x]You’ll always be in my life
Even if I’m not in your life
Because you’re in my memory
You, will you remember me
And before you set me free
Oh listen please
Somebody wants you
Somebody needs you
Somebody dreams about you every single night
Somebody can’t breath without you, it’s lonely
Somebody hopes that one day you will see
That Somebody’s Me [5x]
I think today I might have found the answer why I love him so much and why it is so hard to quit all connections with him. In my twenty something years, he was the first one who I felt really loved me, cared for me and was with me in my hardest times. He was with me when my mother left, he was there when I was in my biggest depression, he was there every time my father was drunk, he was there every time my grandparents tried to hurt me by saying something bad about me. I don’t say that I used him as repacement of my parents, but he definately filled a big whole in my life. And I think I did the same for him-well his mother didn’t leave him and his brother, but he also had hard time in his growing up. So pretty much we just fulfilled each others needs. Maybe it sounds kind of bad, but pretty much it is true.
Right now I’m sitting in Kansas City airport waiting for my shuttle. I’m just to the International Arrivals exit and right now there are a whole bunch of people who are meeting their friends and families. And again the image of him waiting for me on the Sofia Airport in December is in front of me…I keep seeing it every day Let’s hope it will dellure as many other dreams…
After watching a couple of episodes of “Sex and the Cty”(one of my favorites shows) these days and, at the same time, strugling with my love stories, I start wondering why we always need a man by our side? I caught myself hoping to meet somebody during the summer, so I can forget T. and go back in the winter to BG with no concerns, but why? Can’t I keep going without him and without anybody new? Is this the way women are created? I know a lot of single women who live perfect, but why can’t I do it?
I also wonder why we measure if a man is “good” for us, only if he has money and he is prosperous. I don’t think much about that, but this is what I noticed around me. Even about T.-everybody says he is not for me because he doesn’t have very good education and not always has a regular job. Yes, I should admit that those characteristics were problem a lot of times, but still he made me happy, he was there when I needed him. Even now I try to stop thinking about him, because I can’t imagine us in the future, but at the same time I miss him so much, I want him here, now
Also I’m afraid of meeting somebody new…I can’t exactly explain why..just the thought about it is strange. I’m also afraid of the fact how I will tell T. because I promised I would do. I’m always afraid to quit every communication with him. On one side, I want to do it, but, on the other, I just can’t. Even during these months I kept writing him, and now when he started answering again more often and keeps saying how much he loves me, it is just painful. I like hearing from him, but also I’m afraid where this will lead ( I don’t have much hope that it will lead to something good )
Well, the time will show what will happen…but I keep worrying about everything and I’m trying to make some plans, which change every day…
He didn’t left just like that…just the connection failed. I got angry because he left before without any reason, but this time there was a reason. O, well…
I saw you online in Gmail…I almost fell off the chair…we talked for a while..everything was OK…well I started crying again, but that is OK…and then you just disappeared…as you did before. Even though I asked you NOT to do it…it is awful just to disappear like that…I HATE IT…when will you grow up? Perhaps never…why do I miss you so much after all the pain you caused me? What did you do to me?
I don’t feel confident around other people..again..I always think there is something wrong in my clothes, my talk, my reactions..everything…the baloon we live in Cottey does not have very good effect on me…I’m afraid about the summer…
I have decided that I do not need so many accounts including myspace, flickr and etc. because the stuff I do there, I can do on facebook..so I deleted all accounts except facebook…the less information I have online, the better..I do not know why..just like that…
Now that I’m on a break, I have more free time for thinking..I know it sounds strange, but it is true. By thinking I mean I have more time to go through different things. Of course, one of the things - him - it is not good to have so much time…it is painful..all these memories keep hunting me. I wonder if they will ever stop?
I am also thinking about my brother..he is going to be 14 this year..it sounds so much, and I still perceive him as a little baby..maybe because he does not behave as I did when I was 14. I also realize how much more I could have given him…how much more he could have learned I know I am not his mother and should not feel guilty about missing some stuff with his growing up, but still…I was responsible for him..if only I could have known the things I know now…
I also think about how fast the time goes sometimes…how just after a blink of an eye it will be the Fall semester and again applying stuff, SATs and all this crap I’m afraid…
At the same time, it looks the end of the year is not so close…more and more I think of going home for Christmass, but the problem is that my first association is how he would be the first person I see on the airport I’m definately going crazy..to think about such things…so far away and impossible..but I just miss him so much Uhh…
No title because I don’t how to call it…I’m so confused..and on my way to renew something (somebody) that should have already been in the past, but stubbornly stays in my heart
Finally today, after 3 months silence, he wrote me an email…he said he did not have access to Internet very easily and also was afraid to call because it did not know how I will react(I should admit that some of the emails I sent him were pretty…how to say…full with rage). He also has written his new number…and because I had two phone cards from the PEOs..I just could not stop myself of calling him. It was strange at first…both of us did not know what so say, but after a couple of minutes I started talking with him as if we had never broke up And I’m proud that I was laughing all the time except in the end…
When I ask him if he thinks all the time when he will go back to BG as I do, he said that he waits for me to say when I’m going so he will come, too I just miss him so much, but I should not, but I can’t help it Everybody says if there were other men around it would be different, but I don’t know…
It is crazy to keep going this way…but I don’t know what to or how to change it…I just need him… I just miss him..I just love him too much :(… Men-who created them?!
pretty much now every freshmen on campus knows me 
