This year I am spending it in Coronado attending a parade, various gatherings and watching fireworks (instead of a double shift and full exhaustion like last year ) I might not be an American, but I like all these celebrations
5th of July:
It is an election day for the new parliament back in Bulgaria. I am not voting just because I did not think about it earlier to check how I could vote from here. Frankly, I don’t know much except that there are several new parties/ coalitions and of course everyone is promising great things. I might be generalizing, but from the little I know that’s the impression I got. It is very sad that many people will not vote even though they live in Bulgaria. Despite everything I still keep my hopes up that the situation in the country will improve some day. It will take a lot of time and effort, but there is always hope.
The author of “Reviving Ophelia” did a great job once again only this time she explored the cases of bolimic, anorexic and obese women. Even though her book is from ‘95 it pretty much describes what is happening right now with women.
So many women are obsessed with their weight and so many women die every year from eating disorders that it is just hard to put all this into words. Who came up with this “ideal” for women? Who said women who look like skeletons have to be the model for all women?
I almost started crying while reading part of the book because I wish I knew all these facts and good advices earlier so I could help some of my friends. I wrote in a previous post about one of my best friends who has been struggling with her weight for years. Though I sent her a super long email with various ideas and encouragements I doubt it will be enough for her to deal with this problem on her own. It breaks my heart to see how her weight controls every aspect of her life and I can’t do much
too much. These are the two latest commercials for Carls Jr. and I think they are disgusting. The first one is more than suggesting, and then we wonder why men see women as sex objects…well, keep producing such commercials and you got the answer.
And the second one says to women directly in their face that to have such a body they need to give up a lot of food.
How about mentioning how many millions of women out there struggle with eating disorders just because of such constant reminders what they need to do to look “perfect” according to the society’s standard of perfect or sexy?
Women spend so much time worrying about their weight and apperance in order to be attractive enough to be accepted into society that it’s just sad. Instead that time and, in many cases, money could be spend for much more useful causes like stopping the rape of women in Congo or decreasing the hunger in many countries around the world.
Is there such a thing as staying friends with an ex-boyfriend/ girlfriend?
Maybe some people do it. Maybe it’s possible if you broke up with mutual agreement, but how do you separate friendship from something more after knowing someone for 8 years and spending 5 of these years together? How do you save the friendship when there are so many other issues like difference in interests, ideas, dreams, etc? Some people call it love, others madness, I call it…well, I haven’t figured it out yet. It’s a mystery how it all works…Well, not really, we know what happens in each others lives, we both have shoulders to cry on (in this case, the crying happens vie the Internet), we are atracted physically to each other, but at the same we can’t spend a day without quarelling because we are so different. How do you separate from the person who kept you alive and sane for all these years back then? No communication hurts, any communication hurts. Even though you try to keep the friendly tone, in the end it all comes back and it freaking hurts…
No matter how much you try to convince yourself that everything is under control in reality it’s not…it’s a freaking vicous cycle with no way out…
The first time I heard about this book was during one of Lyd’s courses and I always wanted to read to, so I decided now was the time. And actually I finished it for 4 days
It was a good book, with a lot to think about.
In short it is about man’s struggle against a political system which controls people’s minds, the past, the present, and the future, and the whole idea of Big Brother, etc.
I came back yesterday from swimming lesson and the news hit right into my face – Farrah Fawcett and Micheal Jackson died.
I can’t say I know much about Farah Fawcett, but from the little I know, she was a great woman and actress.
And Micheal Jackson…for me he is a legend. Even though he was a little before my time, I still like most of his music and I think he was very talented. People argue that he was weird, but I am sure he had very good reasons for everything he had done. This is one of my favorite songs…
“You are not alone”
P.S. I understand people expressing their views all over Facebook, Twitter, blogs, etc, but the thing I don’t get is why people gather in front of the hospital where MJ died or in front of his house?
So a couple of days ago I came up with an idea to post some of the essays I have written in the last 2 years and today finally put that idea into a new blog
I heard this song on one of the episodes of CSI and just touched something in me. That’s how I am with music – as everything else – I take it very personal.
I have been feeling kind of lonely…and at the same time I feel guilty to complain about anything because there is practically nothing to complain about, this is practically the best vacation I have ever had, but I still miss my friends, I miss the conversations, the hugs, the going-out, etc. I am trying my best not to have too much alone time with my thoughts, but how long can I keep running away? Exercising, reading books, playing the piano…all this is supposed to help, but not always…
P.S. I got the first page learned from “For Elise”, I just need to pick up the tempo. Well, thank goodness for the piano..it’s some escape…
The never dying issue of women and their weight. Since we could process information on our own we are surrounded by reminders that we need to stay thin because that’s the norm. If you are overweight, you are screwed. Mainly during the teenage years girls are most vulnerable to criticism because with puberty girls gain some weight. However, some gain more than others and that’s how the name-calling and mocking starts. And while for some children is very funny to laugh at other children, the latter take it seriously and start dieting, and unfortunately some girls never stop.
Since I could remember I have been careful what and I how much I eat. I have never been overweight, but my goal was never to be. And even though I am against the whole “Women who are overwight are ugly” I still freak out if I gain a couple of pounds. Is it hypocracy from my side? Maybe.
All this came to my mind today after reading an email from one of my best friends back in BG. She has been on diets for years and she has been having issues with weight for a long time. So now she is really depressed because she has never been so heavy as she is now and she feels disgusted with herself. I just think it is sad that we forget everything else around us and our whole world starts going around our appearance. She is a great smart woman, but she uses her weight as a measure of who she is I replied to her with a long email with some ideas how to try to get distracted from the weight question and love herself for what she is, but I don’t know how much that will help.
The only thing I could say is that this is a GREAT BOOK!
Frankl is a famous psychiatrist who is a concentration camp survivor and talks about both his experience in the camps as well as he introduces his theory of logotherapy. The book definitely gave me answers to some of the questions I have been asking myself lately
Or do you dream you could afford to buy Calvin Klein? Well, by buying their products you support their industry advertised by billboards and magazine ads like the ones below. You could Google “Calvin Klein” images and you will find many more of this kind. The last one I saw in an article in the spring copy of Ms. magazine and today I noticed an article about it in one of the CNN blogs. The sad thing is that people are asking “Isn’t it too much?” instead of saying that IT IS TOO MUCH! Every single advertisement is filled with messages about sex and women are portrait as sex objects. To some people it might look harmless, but I am pretty positive that many guys see these commercials in a different way, in a suggestive way…and then we wonder why violence against women goes up and up…well, ads like these are just a small part of the answer to that question.
Do you consider yourself a feminist? Why? Why not?
Before I came to USA and dear old CC I have heard that word probably just a couple of times and haven’t really thought about its meaning. Of course, I will get irritated by discrimination against women, but I would notice only the open discrimination and not the other small signs.
Mainly after taking Psychology of Gender and Introduction to Women’s Studies last semester I could definitely say I am a feminist and I am not ashamed to say it because I believe while women and men have some physiological differences both sexes are capable of doing the same jobs and serving the same roles. And I won’t change my mind until women start being payed the same as men as well as women stop being viewed as weak creatures that are good just for cooking and bearing children!
I understand that because of some very radical feminist groups the word feminist is considered the other f-word a.k.a something dirty and degrading. However, I don’t need to burn bras or go to big protests to be a feminist. Every small thing in our every day life could be a feminist act as not buying products that use advertisements which degrade women (Jean Killbourne’s series “Killing us softly” are great eye-openers), raise our children gender-neutral so they respect both genders, educate ourselves and other women and men about the injustices women face and how these injustices hurt our society, ect.
Unfortunately, as one of my classmates said feminism can destroy your life as well mainly in these early stages when our eyes get open at once to the various issues. I catch myself every single day no matter what I do to discover things I did not notice before like pink bicycles, women’s roles in movies and commercials, news reports, etc and I will get very irritated but also very frustrated because I notice all these things but I don’t know what to do to change them. Well, I guess the first step is to identify the problem and eventually work to solve it. I hope some day I could say I made a difference in women’s lives around the world.
Thoughts…about anything…they just come in waves and I can’t stop them…about the past, the present, the future, the world around me, school, friends, etc. But I don’t feel like talking about most of the things even though I feel like I am suffocating sometimes with too many thoughts. And this is another thing that bothers me-lately the most friendships/conversations I have been having are online (Facebook, Skype, email) and I feel like it’s getting harder and harder to keep up a conversation in a real situation with people. Even with a couple of friends I noticed I could talk for hours when I type, but if we talk on Skype the conversation dies out pretty fast which is pretty sad.
People say time heals everything…well, we will live, we will see how that works…just need some patience and hopefully everything will come in place and the ghosts from the past will go away someday…
One of my major projects for the summer is reading for fun. I brought 3 books with me plus I got a card at the local library. My first 2 books for the first 3 weeks of the summer are:
Virginia Woolf – “Mrs. Dalloway”
It was a little hard to read because that’s how Virginia Woolf is, but I liked the book. It is filled with so much detail and so many characters are mixed together that sometimes it was hard to follow, but I still enjoyed it
The second book I bought before I left Cottey inspired by the presentation of one of the women in my Intro to Women’s Studies class.
Mary Pipher – “Reviving Ophelia: Saving the selves of adolescent girls”
An AMAZING book! Even though Mary Pipher talks about teenage girls in the 1990s I was surprised how much most of the topics were close to my own experience. She covers everything from devorce, to religion, to peer pressure, to self-harm, sex and drugs abuse. This book is definitely a must-read for every teenage girl and her parents, friends, relatives, etc. It is very sad how several years in girl’s life could change her forever.
I have been thinking about my biological mother today after a conversation with Q. Do I still consider her my mom? Can I call her “mom”? Well, I don’t think so. It might be cruel and I know even in the Bible it says to love your parents no matter what, but how about the parents? Are they allowed to forget about their kids? How about that? I don’t feel guilty for the way I feel. I don’t know what I would tell her if I see her again some day because for me she is a stranger. I think it is so hard to get over this because of what I had been through with my grandparents. I guess I have always blamed her for leaving me with them. Yeah, they fed me and gave me a roof to stay under, but what about the price I had to pay? What about the endless offenses, exploitation, name-calling, low self-esteem, physical self-harm, etc. How to erase all this?
For almost 22 years for the first time this summer I feel like a part of a normal family. It feels so good to sit on the table with someone, to know I could rely on someone and someone considers me as special. I have talked a little about this here. It is hard to explain. At the same time, I am not sure I know how to react sometimes, this is all so new to me. After all these years I believe everything happens for a reason and maybe I had to go through all the crap in the past to finally find peace and love. I started realizing that I am what I am because of my past. If I did not want to escape from everything at home I might not have come here and never met my new mom As one of my friends always told me at Cottey when I felt down “Happy thoughts, happy thoughts.” I guess I need to remind this to myself more often and maybe the past will leave me alone
There is a famous saying that “Time heals everything” and I try to believe it, but why then memories come back all the time and sweep over me and I feel the same pain I felt 2,5, 10 years ago? I guess being busy as hell for the last 2 years helped me not to think too much about the past, but now all this free time is not very healthy. Every little thing brings out some memory and of course not very pretty memory about my parents, my grandparents, T., etc…I can’t sleep sometimes because of weird dreams. I don’t like it…I don’t want to look back, it hurts too much. Yes, because of all the hardships I learned to be strong and independent, but also very vulnerable at the same time. How do I deal with all this pain? Running away from the ghosts of the past is not a decision, but what is the decision then?
I feel very blessed to have all the things I have now, but the evenings are the worst, I feel like I need to be around people all the time, to hide, to run otherwise the past comes back…errr
On Sunday, leaving from good old Cottey C, I closed another chapter in my life. Two years filled with new experiences, pain, happiness, disappointments, etc but more important two years of growth. I have changed in any aspect I could think of and I like these changes
Now I am on my next adventure for this summer called California It is so amazing to rediscover the meaning of free time and living one day at a time. It feels so strange to have time to enjoy the day, run small errands, read a book for fun, do my nails, take a long bath – pretty much to take care of myself. So far everything is amazing and I hope it stays like that for the next 3 months.
And then I am opening another chapter, a scarier, but also more exciting chapter at Smith. I have been so blessed so far and I have a feeling no matter what my next two years will be even more life-changing than the previous two
So the long transfer process is finally over. Yale came out tonight. I did not get in so I am going to Smith. Yes, I am a little disappointed because my hopes were very high, but I will be going to Smith for free and that means A LOT to me plus the Jack Kent Cooke….it’s more than I have ever dreamed about
Now I just need to survive graduation weekend and CA, here I come
during this academic year I have free time! It is amazing and crazy at the same time. Everyone is going crazy right now while I could finally relax. I finished my last 2 papers on Tuesday and now I have left piano juries on Saturday and Spanish and BIO exam next week and that’s it. Today the weather was gorgeous and I actually had time to stop and enjoy the green grass and the singing of the birds. I got so used going on autopilot for the last 8-9 months that it is very hard to enjoy the time I have now.
At the same time, I would prefer to be busier because the time will go faster. Now I have time to sit and think for a whole bunch of things and some of these things are not that enjoyable like counting down days and hoping Y*** would finally come out with a decision because all this waiting is getting ridiculous. Also I could sit and evaluate what got done this year which is a lot, but also the reality of the whole friendship thing sticks out a lot, too and it does not make me very happy. But as one of my friends said “this is the price you have to pay, but that price got you free education,” so I guess it is worth it.
Oh well, it will all be over very soon and I will be on my way to sunny CA I just need a little more patience
It all started with informational meeting in October 2008 when I first found how I could apply for a Jack Kent Cooke transfer scholarship. It sounded totally impossible and unreachable, but I decided that if I don’t try I will not have any chance of getting it. So I started writing draft essays to be considered for nomination. In the end of November I was informed I could start working on the actual application because I have been nominated. It took tons of revisions and long hours spent in Dr. Ross’ office but I submitted all my essays and financial information by mid-January. And then the waiting began…there years in a row a Cottey woman got the scholarship so I knew there is some chance even very small because the foundation receives around 800 nominations and selects approximately 50 scholars out of the 800. I knew from the girl who got it last year that the recipients are informed between April 30th and May 1st so since last Sunday I have been a total ball of nerves – it just hit me at once that my life could change forever in the next week or so. And so it happened today – I needed just one look at Dr. Ross’ face and I knew the impossible has happened – I have been selected as one of the Jack Kent Cooke scholars! You could learn more for the scholarship here.
Today has been the craziest and unbelievable day of my life! My hopes for Yale now are bigger than ever and the whole transfer process will be over in the next two weeks!!!
So many things have happened for the last month that I could hardly process that all this is happening to me!
защо на всеки няколко месеца ще се събудя сутринта и няма да мога да стана от леглото, защото цялата стая ще се върти около мен Като си бях в България, особено в Хасково на работа, ми се случи поне 3-4 пъти за една година и всеки път кръвното ми беше ниско и със малко кола и солен айрян се оправях. Да, но днес не беше ниско кръвно – даже беше малко по-високо от обикновено. Толкова ми се виеше свят, че ми се гадеше. Трябаше да взема две хапчета за повръщане, да изпия един куп вода и портокалов сок, да хапна солидно, да пропусна 2 часа за да легна, защото просто не можех да се фокусирам в една точка, за да се почувствам поне малко по добре чак към 6 вечерта, когато пък ме заболя главата. Ъррр…защо всичко това??? Стрес и преумора казват? Мм да възможно е, но в същото време все се упреквам, че ако сега ми идва на нагорно, какво ще правя като се прехвърля?
Искрено се надявам лятото, като си почина малко, да влезна в крачка пак, защото така не се издържа. И най-вече се дразня с цялото виене на свят защото не знам как да се лекувам – за всичко друго имам хапче, но не и затова
I have been thinking lately about friendships and home. Is there such things as lifelong friendships? I used to believe there was, but at the same time if the differences between friends keep growing bigger and bigger, could such a friendship continue its existence? I noticed that the more I learn, the more critical I have become which is good I guess, but at the same time I forget sometimes that other people might not have changed so much. Some people stay the same in their intelectual development – does this mean we couldn’t be friends any more? I hope not, but it’s getting harder and harder to talk with some of my friends just because there is almost no common topic left to talk about. Like yesterday, one of my best friends called me on Skype and started telling me how messed up his life was now. Well, I couldn’t keep my opinion back and just said what I thought – that if he had real desire to change things, he would change them for better. I have said this to him million times, but that’s how he is. Of course, my lecture on life did not help him much, but what else was I supposed to say? I am just pissed he wastes his time instead of doing something meanigful. Isn’t a good friend supposed to tell you the truth instead of telling you what you want to hear? Ah, so many unanswered questions.
And the other thing that came up to my mind is about the definition of home. What is home for you? Where you were born? Where your parents are? Where you live now or have lived for the last 20 years? I think for me home is a place you feel you belong to, where your loved ones are, where good memories are, where real friends are. Well, right now I don’t think I could call some specific place home. Back in Bulgaria there are too many painful memories and problems left, here at Cottey I have some friends, but I don’t think it fits my real vision of home. It was a home for the last two years, but it’s more like a transition place. I kind of miss not having a place where I long to go back. Well, maybe it’s better that way, I don’t get sad about not ”going home” for a long time, but then I am sad of not having such a place at all. Ah, weird as usual
It is very interesting to see how you could recognize your real friends in your best and your worst moments.
What are friends about actually? They are supposed to support you no matter what, right? Well, yes, I guess, but when an envy/ jealousy hits it could get dangerous. I think it is OK to be jealous in a good way, which equals more admiration than actually envy. However, many people cross the line of admiration and it might hurt when it is from someone closer. But hey, who said being on the top is easy? As an old saying goes: the king is all alone, so sometimes achievements could be hard.
But hard or not I am going to enjoy the moment because this is probably one of the happiest parts of my life for now and I sacrificied a lot to get here so no matter how immodest this sounds I deserved something good to happen finally and the efforts from the past 3 years have been toward that moment. And for people who wished they had what I have – well, I guess you did not want it as bad as I did. If you have told me all this would happen to me several years ago, I would just laugh at you. But once I decided I could do it, nothing was bad enough to stop me.
Things that I have worked hard I could easily receive and believe I deserve them. However, my mind still can’t understand how lucky I was to meet Quita and have her in my life. On the top of everything she had done so far, now she offers me to stay in Coronado, CA with her and her husband for the whole summer! Even in my wildest dreams I did not think I would ever have such type of summer.
I haven’t felt that happy for a very long time and I am still assimilating that all this is happening to me
Smith came out surprisingly early as well. I just got the package. They give me 53600$ which includes 5600$ loan and I have 1300$ left to pay which is around 2000$ less than MoHo
Now it is a decision time. Though I have several more left, without JKC I don’t think any other college will offer me better.
Mount Holyoke – accepted. They give me 51 000$ which include 5 500$ loan per year that has to be paid after graduation, so I have 3000$ left to pay per year, which works for me just fine, so if nothing else works out I am going to MoHo
Hollins – still waiting for the financial package.
Daemen – They keep saying I have missing documents. It’s been like that for a while so I think I am just giving up on this one.
Fairleigh Dickinson – I qualify for 16 000$ PTK scholarship, but need to show 25 000$ per year.
Hartwick – I re-sent them the financial documents. A decision should come out soon.
Sweet Briar – I qualify for 15 000$, Lacy is trying to find a sponsor for the rest 25 000$. There is a small chance and it will become clear soon.
Xavier – accepted. They give me 13 000$, there are around 10 000$ left.
Decisions left: Smith (mid-April), Grinnel and Yale (mid-May), Jack Kent Cooke Scholarship – around May 1st.
I came back on Saturday with the idea that Sunday will be enough to get rest and be ready for classes. Well, I guess it is going to take much more time. I still feel very tired plus I am getting pretty overwhelmed with school work – there are millions of things to get done for the next month and a half that I get sick only thinking about that. At the same time, I feel super exhausted and sleepy.
On the top, people keep asking me how was my break/ how was home. Well, everything was great as I already written in the previous posts. However, the emptiness in my heart is bigger than ever. I have this strange feeling…it looked like everyone was doing pretty well and everyone was happy which is good of course. I just feel so out of place again and so so lonely. I have one of these crying days again. Now comes the second wave. The first one was 4 hours ago.
Some of my fears before I left proved right and some proved wrong. The situation in my family is still the same or even a little bit worse. I felt OK being around T. but now everything pours over me and I miss him a lot. It felt so good to be hugged finally and to feel loved. He might be the total opposite of me and we might not have any future together, but the way he loves me means so much and I don’t think I will ever stop loving him either. I just need to get used to living on my own. That is the hardest part. Even though I go for pretty independent person it stinks when I am absolutely alone. Like right now. Like for the last year and a half. And it is not like there are no people here who like me and who think highly of me. That is what I don’t udenrstand. Why all this emptyness? Why all this sadness? I am happy to be here. I don’t want to go back and live in BG or at least not now. Then what is the problem?
*Below is my experience in Bulgaria during the second week of spring break*
March 15 – 21, 2009
On Sunday morning I got to the airport in Rome at 8 am and my flight left for Sofia at 2 pm. Luckily there was a group of Cottey girls whose flight was at 1.30 pm so I hanged around with them until 11.30 am, checked luggage and got on the plane to Sofia. I couldn’t sleep on the plane because I was too excited and also the view was amazing. There were a few clouds and below just mountains. The moment we reached Sofia I started trembling. I went through customs pretty fast, but my suitcase came out one of the last ones. By the time I crossed the arrivals door my heart was going to explode. Two of my classmates and Teodor were waiting just by the exit of the arrivals. They could not recognize me for the first moment or two. After that there were lots of hugs and laughs. It was so good to see them. My aunt and her brother joined us later and we left for Krepost (where I live). We got at my house by 9 pm. My grandparents, my father and my brother were all very excited. I could hardly recognize my brother – he had grown up so much. On Monday I met with Mariya – one of Lyd’s students who is coming to Cottey next year, got a haircut at my hairdresser and met with Ema and spent the night at her place. I missed her so much. It was amazing to sit and talk as the good old times. On Tuesday, my other grandmother came to visit as well as some neighbors. I left in the afternoon for Haskovo, went to see a dentist and met with Milenka and the colleagues at the company I worked before I came to Cottey. Two of us went shopping and I found 2 pairs of very cute shoes and bought some presents for my friends in US. I went out in the evening with her, her husband and Rumen. After a total coincidence I met Rosi who I thought I won’t see while I am in Bulgaria, so that was a very nice surprise. On Wednesday I met with some other relatives and on Thursday I finally met with Lydia. In the mean time I met with Teodor every night – OMG it felt so good to see him and at the same time so strange after all this time. We couldn’t stop talking for hours.
The four days flew by very fast and utnil I tunr around it was Friday. I left with a bus to Sofia at 11 am. Valq and Plami met me at the bus station and we went together to the airport where they stayed with me until the time of my flight to Rome. I got in Rome around 8 pm and stayed with Susan, her mom and her friend at a hotel at the airport. I am so glad for these 4 hours of sleep and shower because we had 4 more flights until I got to Kansas City on Saturday night where I got on the shuttle to Cottey. All the flights went pretty well – they were just too much. We flew from Rome to Frankfurt, from there to Boston, then Chicago and then finally Kansas City. I got back very exhausted, but that was the best break I have ever had! The problem is now I need to tune very fast to the craziness at Cottey because the time left until graduation is going to be busier than ever. I also need to fight the sad feelings that I am so far away again from my friends. I already miss all of them so much.
*Below is the journal I kept while I was in Florence and Rome for the first week of the spring break*
March 09, 2009
We left KC at 10.30 am, flew to Newark where we had 4 hours wait until our flight to Rome. We had pretty good view of downtown NYC and the time went fast as well. We left at 5.30 pm for 8 hours flight to Rome. We got in Italy at 7 am Monday morning and left for 3 hour drive to Florence, checked in the hotel and went for an orientation tour. The tour guides were amazing so despite the jet lag we had lots of fun. Florence is a lovely town with old building and lots of churches. We walked to the town hall, made some pictures and in the evening went to a nice small restaurant where we had wine and pizza.
March 10, 2009
On Tuesday morning I had my Florence module – Moda Italia. We walked along the river, passed the science museum, stopped at Ponte Vecchio – a bridge with gorgeous view, from there we passed all fashion houses, stopped at the old farmacia, passed the Basilica of Santa Maria Novella and went to the market where we found lots of scarves, leather jackets, purses and souvenirs. From there everyone took their own way. Me and Pippi ended up at the center of the city, ate gelato (the famous Italian ice cream) (mmm so good ) and went to Piazza Michelangelo from where we had amazing view of Florence (it was so amazing that I can’t explain it in words). We got back at the hotel for couple of hours break and left with two of the tour guides to a couple of bars. The second one we went to there was live music, and it was a great end of the long day.
March 11, 2009
On Wednesday morning the whole group went to the famous Uffizi gallery. We spent around 3 hours there. After that me and Amanda went inside the Cathedral of Santa Maria del Fiore and went back to the market place where we found some very cute things for very decent prizes. In the evening we went up again at the Piazza Michelangelo for night panoramic view of Florence.
March 12, 2009
On Thursday morning we left at 8 am for Rome. We arrived around noon, took a quick bus ride to see the major things, checked in the hotel, had lunch and at 3 pm left for orientation tour. The easiest way to go around Rome is with the metro. Our tour guide took us to the Spanish steps which were actually built by the French in the 16th century. From there we went to the famous Trevi Fountain where she left us on our own. I and 4 other girls left from there to the “Wedding cake” of Rome (The Monument of Vittorio Emanuele), which is an amazingly big white building which Italians do not like much. From there we went to the Pantheon. It was breath taking. We got back around 7 pm totally exhausted. There were some evening activities, but I did not go because I already could not feel my feet and legs and the walking in Rome had just started.
March 13, 2009
Friday was modules day. However, my module wasn’t until 1 pm so I had the whole morning free. I and a couple of girls took the metro to Piazza della Republica – a nice square with a fountain and basilica. The basilica was small, but very pretty. From there we passed by Palazzo delle Esposizioni and went to the church of Santa Maria Maggiore – an enormous church which is a must-visit place for every Christian pilgrim. From there we took the metro to Circus Massimo – unfortunately only a very small part has survived, but that was the place where the Romans held horse competitions. It was build to host around 250 000 people! From the Circus we got back to the Coliseum to meet with the group for the module. Leaving at the Coliseum, we passed through all the Roman Forums and ended at the Palatine Hill. It’s something that could not be described – it has to be experienced. The tickets we got for the Palatine Hill were good for the Coliseum as well which was a very nice deal. I went to the Coliseum with Dr. Perkins and his wife, Dr. Stubblefield and Courtney Milner because they were the only ones who were getting back to the hotel by 6 pm and I had another module at 7 pm. The Coliseum was so beautiful. We were able to stand on the same place couple of thousands of years people would gather to watch the gladiator battles. I got back on time to get ready and leave the hotel for the concert of Camerata Salzburg and the Greek violinist Leonidas Kavakos. The performance was spectacular. Kavakos was the soloist for the first piece and then he conducted the next two pieces. The way they could stay in harmony together, do the cut-offs together and do the dynamics as waves that were falling on me one after another was unbelievable. I just can’t find enough words to describe it. This was definitely one of the best parts of the trip.
March 14, 2009
On Friday night we were told we had to move to another hotel for Saturday night due to some problems with the previous one. However, I did not mind because we moved to a 4 star beautiful hotel. After we loaded the luggage on the buses early Saturday morning so they could move it to the new hotel, we left for our Vatican tour. My group started at the Vatican Museum. Once again – there are not enough words to describe everything I saw. It was amazing. From there we went to the Sistine Chapel and saw the famous “Last Judgment” by Michelangelo as well as the ceiling which Michelangelo painted with various biblical stories. I was looking at all this beauty and I could not imagine how it was done. From there we went to the Saint Peter’s Basilica. Oh, that was the most gorgeous place I have ever been. No matter which direction I turned I could see great sculptures, mosaics and ceiling covered with various biblical themes. From the basilica we walked by the Swiss guards and saw the building with the papal apartment. Unfortunately, we could not get at the dome of St Peter, but everything we saw was great enough. In the evening, the whole group had a final dinner in Rome. We had lots of fun even though the food was very different from our tastes.
I just got the admission packet from Hiram College.
They give me 23 000$ scholarship, but only the tution is 27 000$ plus room, board and other expenses. Also I have to start as a sophomore because they don’t accept all my credits => not the best choice.
Hollins University – I am accepted, but I am still waiting for the fin. aid.
*The collage is made by one of my friends. The pictures are from different parts of Bulgaria.*
Since yesterday I haven’t been like myself. I haven’t had so many emotions at the same day and I haven’t been that happy for a VERY long time.
To make the long story short I would just say that I am not going to Prague because my friend got the job he wanted just on Wednesday and the probability to get fired if he leaves for a week is enormous, so after soul torturing myself for 2 days I decided I can’t go in such circumstance. So instead I am going HOME for the second week of Spring break!!!Yes, it’s just 6 days, but it’s better than nothing and after year and a half here 6 days mean a lot!
There are no words to exactly explain how I felt yesterday and how I feel today. I would just say that I went from numbness, to tears, to screaming, to jumping and vice verse
For some people it might not be a big deal, but for me it is because I have been dreaming for this moment for a very long time. Of course, I like it here more, but I miss my friends sooo bad and the food even more
I couldn’t sleep tonight, but for the first time it was for a good reason The next two weeks will be like a dream which is great because it was high time to get out of the black whole I was in.
This year was the first time I did not even think about the “big” 14.02 and that I am a single. Even when I was celebrating it before back home with my boyfriend then, I still thought that people should not love each only one day at the year.
This year, I decided to give a new meaning for 14.02. Instead of V-Day for Valentine’s day, I celebrated V-Day – Until the violence stops! More information on V-Day you could find here. We get caught up in our daily lives and forget about the rest of the world. Do you know that 75% of all raped women in the world are in Congo?
I celebrated V-Day by going to a Congo teach-in and the Vagina Monologues.
Pretty much all seniors on campus as well as faculty talk about Spring break and how soon it is. And actually today is the first time I think about it and it is very soon. Until I turn around it will be March 8th and we will be boarding on the plane to Rome. For the first three days we will be in:
Florence
Then three more days in:
Rome
And then on March 15th I am getting on the plane to:
Prague
to meet with Tim and probably with Lenka.
Mmm, yes, I am excited mainly because I will be out of Cottey and out of Missouri
Then after we come back I will have a month and a half till graduation – it is crazy, but I can’t wait.
I can’t wait to graduate, to know where I will be for the next 2 years and to go to:
You need to work on your pronunciation from now until May so you do well at the Convention.
BANG!
Why are you always tired?
BANG!
You panic so fast.
BANG!
And so on and on….bang after bang…
And I thought I was beyond the whole low self-esteem deal…yeah, right…I don’t think I will ever be…despite the encouragement from some people, the criticism of others always sticks in my mind much more.
Some people would say the woman who gives you birth is your mother and no one can take her place in your heart. Others would say whoever raises you is the real mother. My biological mother left the summer of 2001 and even though we met several times after that, I count that summer as the time I lost her. We might not have been super close before that, but still…After that time my grandma took the “mother” role and oh, how did she take it. Yes, she fed me and provided me with roof above my head, but that was not enough to compensate the years of constant criticism that turned me into self – hating person because when you are 13-14 years old you believe you are what people tell you are. For her it might be offensive to tell that I don’t consider her as my mother, but I really don’t because I went through too much pain (both physical and emotional) because of her. My aunt was preaching to me over the winter break how I have to forgive my parents (and she did not know about the grandma “raising” methods). Well, I might have forgiven, but I can’t forget. It was and it is too painful. That’s one of the reasons I stopped going to Al-anon meetings – I am not ready yet to dig out all the ghosts from the closet. At least not all of them at once.
So my point with all this talking is that I feel very happy to have someone who considers herself my mom and I start feeling her as such. Some of you may remember this post here. It is so strange because I haven’t used the word “mom” for more than 7 years. Yes, I cried then and it still makes me cry when I reread it, but I cry from happiness to have someone who is not helping me with money, but who actually cares for me and appreciates what I do. It means so much that I can’t explain it with words. Here, my eyes are full with tears again.
For the last several days when I go to bed, thoughts start running around my mind and I feel like getting up, opening my laptop and writing here, but usually I am already too tired to do that. Unfortunately, in the morning I have forgotten what I have been thinking about the night before.
Some time ago I talked with a friend about blogging. He said that for him it does not make sense to write stuff online, mainly personal stuff, that anyone could read. Instead, one could go and talk with the people the post is about. I don’t think of this blog as a diary and I appreciate comments. I like writing here because the blog is the only friend left I have. I could write everything here anytime. Also I like posting topics on which I would like to get some feedback.
Another friend found this blog some time last week and she sent me a long message on facebook with various responses on the topics I have written, but one thing in particular caught my eye. She said “Vesi, from what I read you sound so depressed and sad since you are at Cottey/ USA.” I don’t think I am worse than when I was back in BG. Also I guess this impression is strengthened by the fact that I feel like writing the most when I don’t feel well, when I have to pour out thoughts which haunt me.
Today at 11am Central time Barack Obama became officially the 44th President of the USA. All TVs on campus were on CNN and I watched the inauguration in lower Hink House. I think this is the first time I watched the whole ceremony and listened to the speech. I was amazed how many people were there! And I am happy Obama won even though I didn’t vote and I haven’t listened to much of his speeches. I have been in US for only year and a half, but as it looks like I will spend a whole lot more years here so I hope he does a good job and fulfills at least part of the expectations people have for him.
After the crash on Saturday I put myself together yesterday and finished everything I needed to finish. I woke up at 10, went to brunch, prepared for the meeting with DP and Helen today, studied Spanish, went for a walk, played piano, had dinner and Chellie milkshake, studied Biology and finished the Women’s Studies paper. All this by 8pm, watched a movie and went to bed by midnight. I did dream a lot, but unfortunately I can’t control that.
Today I finally submitted the JKC application online.*phew* Now I need to finish the essays for Yale and I am done with the college applications. However, I am a little worried about these essays. Even though I am trying to do a free writing I have this small reminder on the back of my mind that this is YALE and in order to have the smallest chance there the essays have to be excellent and I guess that is why I have such a big trouble writing them. But I started the application and I will finish it, though I have like 0.00001% chance to get there.
I found this picture the other day and it is on my desktop right now. I think it is cute and yammy
I was lying in bed last night and thinking…thinking about many things, but mainly about friends and friendships…
Is there such a thing as best friend? And if there is what exactly it is and what does it mean?
The way I see it is when I consider someone a “best friend” or even just a friend I give all my heart to that person and I don’t turn my back on him/her no matter what is the distance between us. But it mainly hurts when someone turns his/her back on me when we see each other every day and nothing actually happened to end your friendship. I was thinking about several different people I consider one of my closest friends. I will use initials because this blog is for everyone and I don’t want controversies.
E – I know her pretty much since I know myself. Since high-school she has been like my sister even though she is 4 years older. We were talking about everything and sharing everything since I moved to Haskovo and she moved with her boyfriend and we started seeing each other 1-2 times a month, but still the closeness was there and we knew what happens in each others life. Since I left for the USA it’s no longer like that. We talk on Skype once in every 1-2 months and in between I write emails and she never answers because she reads them too late and we write several text messages to figure out when we could catch up on Skype. I would understand if she has no access to Internet, but she does. Mainly for the last year when she graduated and started a job that gives her lots of breaks. I don’t see why it is so hard to check her email once a week for example. I have no idea what is going on with her and I don’t think she really knows what is going on with me. It hurts…
M – We were classmates in high-school and then ended up in the same college, just with a year difference because of my year-off. During that year we didn’t stop communication and then when we met everything was like before. The first semester in Cottey last year was pretty good. We were always together and everything was fine. Or that is what I thought until the day she stopped sitting with me and D. for meals, stopped calling/ coming to my room and eventually started passing by me as if I am invisible. Why? I still have no idea and it is killing me After all this years I hoped I deserve at least some explanation, but the only thing I got was “It’s not your fault.” I was thinking to write her an email these days, but I guess it is pointless because I showed her several times that no matter what, I am always here for her and no answer came, so…
R – with her the things are always on waves – we could talk everyday and then not talk for weeks. When we were back home we were pretty close or as far as we could be. With her I never felt as close as with the others, but still…And now again I don’t know much what’s going on…
Why is the big hassle for the whole friendship thing? Well, I am not really sure. I just get easily hurt when it comes to friendships and mainly when I feel left. I wonder if I am ever going to get over the whole fear of people leaving me.
I know I have Tim, and Pippi, and T. (kind of), and Quita, and all these other people, but still that emptyness in my heart is so deep right now..I wonder when it will be filled up…definately not at Cottey…not now…
I remember last time when I was applying to colleges I was writing all decisions in one post. However, this time I decided to post separate ones and I will just number them
So, so far I got two:
Hood College – they like me, but can’t give me fin. aid (tuition and other costs = 35 000$)
Central Methodist University – they give me 8 000$, 14 000$ left.
Today I got emails that Hiram and Sweet Briar will come out in mid-February. We will see…
I started “Impulse” right after finals and finished it pretty much as quick as the other books and loved it as much as the others or even a little bit more. I think putting the stories of Vanessa, Conner and Tony together made the book engaging from the first to the last page and typical for Ellen Hopkins the end touched something directly in my heart.
I specifically marked page 596 while reading because I really like this:
I finished “Burned” (another book by Ellen Hopkins; I wrote about Crank here) some time in November and I felt like burned at the end. Great book! Actually I needed some time before I start another book. I can’t exactly explain it, but it was a very strong emotion I felt mainly on page 523:
I started my first piano lessons last year at this time. I have never played before, but I have always wanted. I can’t give some particular reason why – just something pulls me to the piano.
I went to practice today for the first time in 3 weeks (because of the break). I went into the practice room and there it was – the piano all gorgeous and as if calling me. I felt like just sitting there for a while and only touching the keys, just to feel them under my fingers. And then it came the first sounds..ahh…music for my soul.
I was so amazed. Usually I had thing strange feeling when I go and play, but nothing like today. Some of you may think I have totally gone nuts, but I don’t think so. It is just this special thing between me and the piano
Pretty much this is the way I could describe my first days at Cottey
The trip was good, but long. I left my uncle’s house at 6am and didn’t get to Cottey till 6pm. (Two flights, waiting for luggage, getting on the shuttle to Nevada). Unpacked all my stuff, took a shower and colapsed in my bed
Yesterday were my first classes and also I was running around all day and filling my schedule with zilllion meetings
It was also a news day. I got my transcript for the Fall semester – 4.00 I also got two of my college decisions. Hood College really likes me, but doesn’t give me any money. Central Methodist University gives me 8 000$, but there are 14 000$ left, so… Oh well, 11 more letters to go
Also in the evening Quita sent me an email confirming that her chapter wantes me to go and speak at their PEO State Convention with over 2000 PEOs in California at the end of May, which means I will spent two weeks there. Yay
Pretty much I am trying to breath deeply and not to panic
So here it is – the winter break is almost over. I am packing tomorrow and flying back to Missouri on Sunday morning. For whatever reason I have been dreaming I am on an airport for the last 3 days?! Maybe because I keep worrying that I have only 45minutes to change planes and go through customs in Chicago or I don’t know why else. Other surprising thing for me is that I am looking forward going back to Cottey – that has never happened before! It looks like 3 kids can make me miss Cottey LOL Or just this last semester I got too involved with the people on campus and just miss them. For good or for bad, that is the situation
Last Sunday we finally went to the Niagara Falls and it wasn’t too cold – around 0, which here is pretty warm and we had a good time
I found out I would not receive my transcript here because they have never sent it – they sent it to my residence hall because the Canada address I gave them looked suspicious – go figure! lol
Well, I guess that is what is on my mind right now. There will be an update for my first days of classes…
Spending the 3-week winter break with a family with 3 kids might not be the best idea. My cousins are 3 boys 9, 7 and 2 1/2 years old. They are fun and very disciplined compared to some other kids, but they are still kids. They would run, scream, jump when they feel like doing it. I am amazed how my aunt keeps her temper down all the time – I am struggling even when I am just a guest. It looks like my experience with parenting and children has damaged me more than I thought. I can’t stop wonder why would they have 3 kids. What’s wrong with me? Who am i to judge? The fact that I don’t feel comfortable with lots of children does not mean other people are not happy with many children as in the case of my aunt and uncle.
I dream for quiet and peaceful time just for myself, but I don’t think it is going to happen during the break and at Cottey is even more impossible. There I could never find peace – there is alwasy someone around you, which is good, but not always.
We are off on a 3-day holiday at a place called Muskoka (2 hours from Toronto), which not surprisingly to me is actually a Baptist Conference Center. Ah yeah, that’s the other thing. My aunt and uncle are quite religious. If you leave them they will listen only christian music and watch christian programs. Nothing bad, we are in a free country/world, but is it fair for me to be pretty tolerable and not object their beliefs and then for them to push on me their beliefs. OK, I am a christian and I believe there is a God, but that is about it. I don’t like talking about Jesus all day and yes, I LOVE CIS and I don’t mind if people are gay or a lesbian! I guess the problem is the last time they saw me I was 10 and it is hard for them to see I am 21 now and could think whatever I want.
Well, pretty much such stuff occupies my head except thoughts for someone back in BG, but I already talked about it. I decided I am starting 2009 with no anger or bad emotions. Whatever happened, happened. No point in going over and over the bad stuff. The problem is if I sort out the bad stuff, the good stuff keeps pushing in my face and then…any way…time will show…
without you. It is Christmas morning. We just opened the presents. I got some nice stuff. The boys liked their books and my aunt and uncle liked the CD I got them. It is said Christmas is a merry and a festive season – then why don’t I feel either of these? (except the fact that I woke up at 8am) I just feel something is missing…or someone…as usual…I can’t get him out of my mind, mainly on holidays…
I have been looking around and just got to the conclusion that it is just human nature to need someone by our side. I guess my problem is I need it too desperately and always. In March will be 8 years since we met. It just can’t be summarized in several sentences how many things happened for these years. They were both filled with lots of happiness and not so much, but I always knew he is there for me for good or for bad. He made me smile again, he made me feel important to somebody for the first time, he took me out of the black whole I had fallen several years ago, and yet he broke my heart as no one else did – isn’t it ironic?
Well, Merry Christmas to everyone and I hope it is a good one for you!
Here I am, sitting at the KCI airport and waiting and hoping my flight to Toronto will leave on time. The weather totally sucks today – it is cold, foggy and raining/snowing…kind of nostalgic…I don’t know, usually such weather makes me nostalgic. On the way here with the shuttle I was thinking over this semester…everything looks so unreal…First, it just flew by me with crazy speed. Second, so much things happened…classes, SGA, meeting Quita, getting nomination for the two scholarships people would kill each other for, applied to 13 colleges, did service learning and God knows what else in between…This is not one of these posts saying how great I am and how good I deal with the stuff – I wrote enough for all this in my essays…so much that I am tired of my own story…
For whatever reason I had a dream last night for being in BG…yeah, they happen from time to time…
I am so excited to see my uncle, aunt and my 3 cousins At the same time, I am a little scared…11 years are a long time…well, I will find out in several hours
One week till winter break *party* I am so excited and so ready to get out of here…You know this suffocating feeling you get when you stay too long at the same place? Well, I have it and it is pretty strong. Well, for some people one semester is not so much time on one place, but for me it is. I got so used going in various places that I just can’t stay on one place for long I am also excited to see my uncle and aunt and my three cousins that I have never seen before!
These days I often talk about how much I have changed for various occasions, but it is true. I feel as a totally different person. Yes, I am still the same super sensitive person who could cry a lot, but at the same time I look at the world with different eyes. I don’t think I would ever think about service learning at home, for example.
I am at the leadership program here and there is an optional presidential project that we can do after completeing level 4. I need to come up with an idea for a project that would benefit the college or Nevada community in some way and I will work directly with the President of the College for funding and advices. I decided that if I commit myself to such a project I want it to be somehow connected to my major. I talked with our volunteer adviser and she gave me a contact person in Heartland hospital – the behavioral health service here in Nevada that hosts boys and girls from all over USA. I met with the psychologist today and we came up with pretty cool idea for a project. I could organize a mentor group for several girls from Heartland age 14-17. We could do several sessions there first to get to know each other and then each week we could do various stuff at Cottey The main purpose will be to serve as a role model for these girls and show them that hard family background should not stop you to achieve your dreams and show them that there are numerous opportunities available to them.
Someone may wonder why exactly such a project? Well, no matter how not modest would sound, I believe I have achieved quite a bit taking a look several years back and one of the main reasons to be here and to do all this stuff is because I met a wonderful person who was full with optimism and showed me that the world does not end with my mother’s run away and my father’s alcoholism. So now I would love to do this for someone else. I am very excited to come back in January and start working on it. I hope it goes well
After tormenting myself for the last 5 days with nightmres, sleepless nights and tears, once again I need to get used to that this very special person for me is gone and everything is in the past – that is the choice I made year and a half ago.
I went to a Al-anon meeting last night with DP. I didn’t know what to expect and I don’t know if I liked it, but I may keep going and find out For the first time last night I had to confess to myself what I am really struggling with. It is not easy. But pretty much I need to find a way to understand and maybe forgive my mother for leaving me, my father for drinking and pretty much leaving me, too and for my grandparents’ controlling behavior. It is gonna take a while, but sooner or later I had to face all this in order to keep living my life in peace and major in what I want to major in.
I woke up at 10am this morning after falling asleep at…well I don’t know when..2-3am probably after crying out as I haven’t cried for months – a cry coming deep from my soul, tearing it apart. When I looked at the mirror this morning I could not recognize the person there…actually I did recognize her – it was the ghost I was fighting for the last year, with dark circles and red dots under her eyes and no trace of a smile on her face. I feel as if no strenght is left in my body right now…it is raining outside…just perfect for such a day. I am going to see a movie with one of my suitemates. A comedy. Well, I hope I will laugh at least a little bit.
Why am I like this again? There is only one person who could bring me to this condition….
Here it is – the long-waited 5-day break for Thanksgiving. Well, for me it started last Friday because I had only choir (the other meetigns and classes got cancelled) and then Monday and Tuesday I did not have any SGA meetings and again several classes were cancelled. On Saturday, me and my roommate went shopping to KC. It was fun. I found a little black dress for Hanging of the green and some other things. Since Monday I have been working to college applications – addressing envelopes, organizing documents, etc. And yes, today is Wednesday and I am still covered with papers..arghhh…13 colleges??? What was I thinking??? Oh well, it is too late to give up. Hopefully I will finish the paperwork today and I will start the leftover essays. There will be lots of writing this 5 days – app. essays, JKC essays, Psychology and Religions papers…phew…
BUT the good news are there are 3 weeks till the end of the semester!! Yeeyy I am so ready to be done. Yes, I enjoy what I am doing…I am just tired…
For whatever reason I am listening to Rammstein and Nightwish right now
Ooo how nice it is to hear from everyone how special I am, how smart, bla la la…Huh, but do you know how much it hurts when the reality crashes on you??? Yes, I am good at doing all hw on time, get staright As, ect, but when it comes to critical thinking and using the skills I have developed – well, then I SUCK!!! I just opened the College Board and of course did not find a nice surprise. 1740 on SAT *blah*….yes, SAT is not such a big deal, but still…it hurts…Also November is frying by my side and I don’t have any college essays ready…Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Three days in a row talking with him on Skype = not healthy.
I need to stop.
I need to get back in control.
I could do it.
Why does it hurt so much even though I don’t feel the same for him as before???
I need to put myself together and study.
I can’t fail.
I am doing pretty good so far and I need to keep the tempo one more month.
*I really hope the fin. docs from home come VERY SOON otherwise everything is gonna be screwed up!!!*
Errr..I am so looking forward all this to be done.
Yes, Cottey is great, but the whole transfer crap is getting on my nerves
And this fear of failure…
SAT results are coming out this Thursday…I really hope not to be as bad as before…
Usually when I am havign tough days/ weeks I often wonder how much is actually worth it. Are the sleepless nights, the nerves, the tears, the stress worth it the zero social life I lead? Is there another way? I guess there is, but I don’t like it. I talked with one of my friends who transfered to Smith and she said that in order to lead some social life it is impossible to get more than Bs. Isn’t it the same here? I have straight As, but how many friends do I have? Pretty much almost none. How often do I watch a movie or hang around with people except for studying? Almost never. It looks like I need to choose one or the other. It looks like social life and academic excellence do not go hand in hand. Am I happy about it? I am not sure. I haven’t slept for the last two days and probably tonight will be the same (I don’t count 3-4 hours as enough sleep) so right now it is very hard to think straight. I feel the strength leaving my body…I need to keep going…
След малкия ми душевен срив в четвъртък се взех малко в ръце както се казва и изкарах един сравнително мързелив weekend Петък вечер беше концерта на хора – мина добре. След това имахме dance party в моя hall – добре си потанцувах Вчера ходих до Канзас Сити на едно от road trips, които организират от колежа – беше готино и направих куп снимки йеее Днес се събудих в 10, ходих на обяд, говорих с Т (БГ) (да, стана ми мъчно пак, но като цяло се чувствах добре), писах по есетата за голямата стипендия (почти съм готова), после беше Pizza with the Prez. Уж всички казаха, че се справих добре ама аз се почувствах малко кофти, защото доста често не можеха да разберат въпроса, който четях и трябваше да се повтарям. Да, знам, че имам акцент ама не мисля, че е чак толкова зле или поне никога не ми е правило такова впечатление. След това гледах “The Secret”, филм който си беше малко като preaching как мислите ни влияят на начина ни на живот и беше малко странно на моменти. Взех си душ и сега ще си довърша есетата. Тази седмица няма да е толкова зле (поне засега не изглежда зле). Другата седмица имам два изпита, SAT results ще излезнат на 20ти а съботата след това със съквартирантката се каним да ходим на shopping до Канзас Сити, защото след Thanksgiving няма да има време за пазаруване на подаръци за Коледа, а тази година имам на кого да купя нещо (мойте трима сладурски братовчеди в Канада ).
Някак ми е спокойно в момента…дано се задържи по-дълго…
I heard that song on Friday and since then I have been listening it all the time Too much truth in it Mainly in this part below…
It’s been so long
That I haven’t seen your face
I’m tryna be strong
But the strength I have is washing away
It won’t be long before I get you by my side
And just hold you, tease you, squeeze you
Tell you what’s been on my mind
I wanna make up right now now now
I wanna make up right now now now
Wish we never broke up right now now now
We need to link up right now now now
I did well on all my exams. I am done with SAT and the results will be out on the 20th. I don’t have any particular feelings this time – it’s better that way otherwise it will crush me too much like last time if I have failed again.
I talked with both my Ts last weekend. I thought it was pretty funny – they are so different, but I was mainly happy that my BG T made me laugh for the first time for long time, which I hope it’s a good sign – for what exactly? well, I don’t know…while reading the Twilight series I see so many similarities in Bella, Jacob and Edward..maybe that’s why these books got me so much
I am nominated for ALL-USA Team Scholarship and now I am working on revising my essay. At the same time, I keep writing for JKC and trying to turn back to Lyd the last file with some essay topics plus studying for classes…I feel overwheld (as usual).
The hearing went well last night – only 4 hours considering there were two cases connected and 6 people involved so 4 hours is pretty decent.
When I think about it there was not anything major this week, but I gathered three days in a row fully packed from 8am till 8 or 10 pm + I am sick again *blah* so pretty much I feel like chewed and spit out right now. Yeah, one of those days again..I wonder if there are any other days in my life left errr…
It always comes to my mind one question that I fear facing – how much all this is worth it? Could I have everything? Yes, I’m successing a lot as everyone keeps telling me, but am I not turning into a working machine with no friends and little feelings left? That’s how I feel. It’s just impossible to hang around with the girls here, have As in everything, deal with SGA stuff and transfer and have some free personal time. It could happen if the day was 48 hours. I feel like a stranger again. And I still have difficulty defining an american friend because they are so inconsistent!!! One day or week it would look like as friendship and then they just turn their back on you…
And this urge to just collapse and cry started coming again..errr..if only I could find the answers to half of my questions. It’s such a mess in my mind. I feel so powerless right now. I just want to lay down and not thing for anything, but I need to write at least a little bit..I won’t have enough time tomorrow and what I am doing instead? Eating junk food (chips and gummy bears), listening to music and finding no answers…oh well, it’s always worth trying.
Oh yeah, one more thing. M has birthday today. I sent her a card and talked a little bit how I was and asked how she was doing. That was the first time since my birthday to wirte her. Is it right? I don’t know. I don’t know if she wants to talk to me anymore. I just guess it is better to back off. I got only one “Thank you for the wishes” and that’s all for all my questions. Well, obvioulsy she does not need me any more because I showed 100 times that I would like to keep in touch – it’s her choice. If only I could understand why? Why everything changed so much and so abruptly? What did I do? I should have done something, I don’t see other reason. What do I always do to pull people away from me??? Why everyone keeps telling me how great I am and at the same time I feel so lonely and deserted???
I asked before if you can cry from happiness and I definately agreed that you can. Well, my answer was confirmed once again today.
Quita called me after I sent her an email to tell her that I am a nominee for All-USA Team scholarship from Cottey which means I have a pretty good chance to win 2500$. Dr. Rogers (the President of the college) and her husband are in California right now with Quita attending different fund raising and recruitement programs. So today there was a big lunch (I guess with the PEOs) where Dr. Rogers while talking about Cottey said that there was one very special girl from Bulgaria who was the SGA president, who was very smart, who was working very hard and how extremelly proud she was from that girl and how that gilr had her American mom (Quita)! There was more but I was already choking with tears and missed half of the other stuff…
I don’t think I have ever felt so appreciated and loved in all my life!
P.S. I think SAT went fine. I wrote everything and had enough time for the sections, but I am so exhausted right now and I think I am taking a shower, read a little bit and go to bed. I hope I feel better tomorrow…I need to feel better…
Two weeks ago Ellen Hopkins, the author of Crank and four other books, was a guest speaker on campus. It was a shuttering speech about her books, how she got the ideas for them, but mainly it was very personal speech. I have been dealing with a drug addict (YES, alcohol is a drug and could ruin one’s life) all my life and I know very well the answers of the questions Ellen was asking – How could a mother leave her child/ren? (She just leaves and never turns back) Is the drug more powerful than everything else? (YES) Is there a way out? (Maybe).
I started Crank last night. The book is about Ellen’s daughter and her addiction to crank meth and it is written from the perspective of the daughter. On one side, it is easy to read because it is in a poem style, but at the same time I choke on every word…but I want to know, I want to get into an addict mind and see what happens there..I will probably read the other four, too.
Here is an exerpt from Crank:
Just Before The DropYou know how you
stand and stand and stand
in line for the most
gigantic incredible roller
coaster
you’ve ever dared attempt.
Anticipation swelling,
minute by minute by minute,
you choose to wait even
longer, to ride in the front
car
and finally it’s your turn.
They buckle you in, lock the
safety bar with a jolting clunk!
Hook engaged, the chain jerks
you forward. You start to
climb
Crank-crank-crank.
Cresting the top, time
moves into overtime
as you wait for that scant
hesitation, just before you
drop
You know how you feel
at that instant? Well, that’s
exactly how it feels when you
shake hands with the
monster.
Half of the weekend is gone…the PEO visit day wasn’t as bad as
C” for Yourself wekend, but still I am super tired. However, it was nice to meet with the three ladies from one of the chapters that takes care of me as an IPS recipient. They were very nice and also brought me an enormous package with lots of stuff from the whole chapter. Also so far I got at least 12 Halloween cards from the California chapter…those women are crazy They get excited for Halloween much more than for anything else
Tomorrow would fly even faster – brunch, call home for my brother’s birthday, initiations and then GP (the Halloween tradition campus). It is cool but time consuming….
I finished one of the scholarship applications and sent it today-next Monday I will find out if I am nominated and meanwhile I started working on the Jack Kent Cook application which is the bummer, but I got some ideas and went to the writing tutor and I think she will be of great help for this, so we will see what happens.
I went through my college chart today and basically I have left essays and financial documents and to put everything into envelopes – the goal is to send everything before Christmas break *hopeful*.
I have a Spanish quiz on Monday, art exam on Tuesday, psy exam on Wednesday, Spanish homework on Friday, SAT on Saturday, Spanish exam next Monday and Religions exam next Wednesday…mm yeah…nice. Plus there will be a Judicial board hearing this or next week – as usual in the most inappropriate moment. As Jeanna says, I need to learn say “no” but I can’t. When Helen asked me if I could be the chair because the actual chair has a conflict of interest I just couldn’t say “no”. Do I like all of this? Yes and no. Yes because it keeps me busy and I don’t have much time to think about stuff that makes me sad because that is what I usually do. No because I feel exhausted and not normally functioning, but who decides what is normal and what not?
And on top, he came back on the horizon (the Bulgarian he). It is good that he has some progress and realized that all his anger towards me is pointless and just keeps me even farther from him. He agreed to be friends and to talk from time to time and write emails. Am I happy about that? Yes, on one side because I couldn’t stand his anger and bad attitude. On the other side, no, because I might start something again that should have been finished long time ago and that might not be a good idea to revive. I miss him, I miss talking with him the way we were used to talk, not as we did during the last year.
Last night
Angèle Dubeau & La Pietà had a concert in campus – it was the best concert I have been to – 4 violins, 2 violas, piano, bass and chello It filled my soul with this special feeling I have for music, particularly classic music…
Windy, super cloudy, 50F, it’s gonna start storming any second…ahh, it’s always so funny when the weather outside and the way I feel inside overlap…I just wanna crowl in bed and read something nice, but that is not gonna happen this life.
The weekend was much worse than I expected. I have so much to do now that I don’t know where to start from..it’s so overwhelming…Sunday night I needed to go to bed before midnight just because I was super light – headed and I felt I would faint any second.
It is so hard to smile. I am trying, but without much success. And it’s getting harder to sleep again, but this time I fall asleep quickly, but then come the nightmares. I am waking up 100 times and it takes me a while to realize what is happening.
I am trying one day at a time, but it does not work very well. There are many things to write/read that I can’t make a plan what to go first..errr…not good.
Probably at the end everything will be OK, but still the panic does not let me go, the panic that I will fail and I can’t afford that. Why? Because every little thing shutters my self-conscious. It’s like going on a lader – when something pushes you, you go back to the first steps no matter how far you have been…and I can’t do back..I don’t want to go back…
The 3-day weekend was supposed to prepare me for the crazyness of the next 3 weeks, but it didn’t work so well. It’s true I did a lot of useful stuff, but I needed to do more. I always need to do more.
I feel as hit by a truck after yesterday. I went out of my room at 7.30am and if I don’t count that I came back just to change my books several times, I came back at 11pm! Today is not so bad, but still…the weekend will be worse than I excpeced – 96 prospective students and 70 guests are coming. Me and my roommate are hosting together 5 in our suite which is not a big deal, but it’s gonna be freaking crowded on campus. On Sunday when they leave there is a LEO supper and tradition – I have no idea when I am going to study.
Next weekend – worse. All day Saturday I will deal with PEOs, then Sunday – initiations and GP and I have to study for 2 exams for the last week of October and then November 1st – SAT. I am gonna be like dead …I am so afraid I will fail again Not to mention that I have no idea when and how I will write the 2 essays for Jack Kent Cooke schoalrship + all small supplements for the colleges.
*I gave 180$ for new glasses that MAY BE ready by this Friday, but who knows…my eyes hurt so bad *
Panic embraces my soul…I need to save myself somehow…I need to survive…
Not good. I cried I think three times yesterday and two more today. Still have no idea why or where this sadness comes from. I guess part of the reason is because this week was not so busy so I had some free time..free time to turn around and find out that no matter how friendly is everyone, there is no one I could go and talk to when I am sad. I always need to wear this mask, this happy mask, but no one knows what is in my heart. And it’s kind of sad that for 2 months since I am back here, this week was the first occasion I had time to let myself feel something or express any emotion Maybe that is why right now everything gathered for two months pours out…ohh..I hope it ends soon.
On the top, this morning my glasses became two pieces in my hands. I have eye doctor appointment for Monday, but not only new glasses will cost me at least 150$, but I won’t get them until next Friday!!! Only for a day without glasses my eyes are killing me, I don’t want to think what will be after a week…
we have three day weekend that is going crazy fast as usual, but I am trying to be productive. I am preparing recommendations forms that I will give to the professors next week, but at the same time the more thoroughly I look at application materials, the more problems jump up…Gosh I will be so happy when this semester is over…
I want so much to say something cheerful…well, I talked with my Belarusian guy and he made me smile at least for while…it’s better than nothing
It was raining all night and a little bit when I woke up. It was very humid first, but now it’s just cloudy and cold. Errr…And it’s dark in the buildings..all lights are on, but still I feel the darkness. I just want a cup of hot chocolate, a book and to curl in my bed. well, I want to much. Mainly on Tuesday, mission impossible.
I don’t feel so stressed today. Just a little bit. I can’t stop listening classic music from last night. I don’t know,it’s just relaxing. Although sometimes it is scary to stay with just my thoughts and the music because usually that is the effect – it calms me down, but also makes me think for some stuff even more.
Many people don’t believe in PMS, but I do. It’s better the worst part of the month to start soon while I am not totally depressed. I feel a scream hiding deeply in my soul, but it can’t go out. I hope it doesn’t in the most inappropriate moment, but it probably will (as usual).
I was reading some of the last posts Lyd put on her student blog from students abroad and I realized, first, I never sent her personal email explaining what happens here at first (I’m sorry ) and second, I don’t think I have ever sent an email without a single complaint . Oh well…it is just not that I don’t appreciate Cottey and what I have here, as I said before, it is this feeling that something is missing no matter what. I hope I find it someday.
Some people say because I push myself too much (studying, doing everything on time, all the SGA stuff, transfer), but if I don’t that won’t be me and I like what Tim said – if I am no longer me, I’m in trouble Even when I try to give 200% of myself, I’m still not totally satisfied, so I can’t imagine what would be otherwise.
I have STOMP in 20 minutes. That is the service learning part of my Child psy class. Well, I chose it because I thought it would be fun and also it will help me see what is it to work with kids. It’s twice a week for 2 hours at the Fare Estate Ground here in Nevada. It is around 8-10 kids from 5 years to 13 years old, but the majority is 3rd graders. The kids are really cool and sometimes they make my day. But other, like last time, it was pretty bad. I came back like dead (well, one of the reasons was one of my classmates didn’t show up because she decided to take a nap…ahhh I was mad). Anyway, I know it can’t be perfect everytime, but I feel I’m loosing my enthusiasm which is bad At the same time I start thinking is this what I reallly want to do? Is the Psy the right choice? I friend back home told me once “You need to help yourself first, in order to start helping others.” Well, I guess I missed the first part and jumped on the second one Sometimes they say it is easier to work with kids because you could do much more for them, while it is very hard to help and change adults who have lived for 30-40 years one way and now you ask them to try another way. Maybe somewhere in the middle I would feel comfortable..like high school/college age..maybe..no one knows..we will see.
P.S. I found it much easier to write my journal and then maybe post some of the stuff here. Tks for the idea for the journal, Lyd
I took a long hot bath, I got sleep last night, nothing too bad happened today, listening to Mozart..and still can’t make my freaking mind to concentrate!!!!!Why?? Why???
Gosh, how to stop all random thoughts and just to focus. Yes, this week won’t be so bad, but the little “free” time I have, I really need to use for SAT and writing some essay for JKC, but it is so hard to mobilize myself. Well, I would probably come back to those wiritings in several months and use them as evidence for my failure. Because bad mobilizing results in failure. But the more I’m thinking about it, the harder it is. Ahh it’s such a mess in my mind right now.
And this feeling of unsatisfaction keeps nagging on me. I don’t feel I’m getting the most of my classes or anything I do. Everything is in such a rush. Where is the joy? Where is the magic of being in college? I can’t even sit and read normal book just for pleasure without my guilty soul to call on me that perhaps I could do an SAT test right now instead of reading! Isn’t that crazy? Why can’t I enjoy with all my heart a single thing I am doing? Or even when I am reading for some class I keep looking at the watch to make sure I am going fast enough!!! I can’t say I’m unhappy where I am and what I do, it’s just…it’s always this feeling as if I am missing something in the puzzle. The piano is quite a salvation, but not enough. But still I think it is good that the other day, while I was playing, I could finally feel the music, I could enjoy it.
Everyone is telling me I will get at least in MoHo and Smith, but if I don’t write good essays or if I screw the application who is gonna get me? No one. So many dreams…so little knowledge how to achieve them without torturing myself.
I got my visitor visa for Canada so I am going to visit my uncle and his wife and 3 kids in Toronto for the winter break *party* I haven’t seen him and my aunt for 11 years and I haven’t seen any of the kids, so I’m more than excited
Sure you can. Although some people would say it’s impossible because the crying is usually associated with bad feelings, I totally can do it and did it last night. It has been a harsh week and since Monday I’m on the edge to have a panic attack. I sent an email to my Belarusian guy just to tell him how I was doing and when I would be online so we could talk on Skype, and last night as an answer I received the best email ever! It is very hard to explain what was in the email and I don’t want to paste it here because I want to save it for myself, but it was so moving and written with so much feeling that I read it probably 20 times and cried and laughed at the same time. Why? Because I still can’t believe how happy he could make me. He, who knows me since June and with whom I dated for a week in August and who is on the other end of the world right now, but who does not want to break the connection with me and is thinking from now how to meet soon. I have no idea how it happened, but there is such a connetion between us. Well, my guess is just both of us are very open to each other and express our feelings freely. Also it is different when you share common interests with someone and when you don’t.
What happened for the last 10 days? Well, put together numerous meetings, workshops, campus elections, classes, no more than 5-6 hours sleep per night and you got the idea Well, one small difference this year than last year – not only I am much more busier, but I keep smiling and I have cried only once for the last 2-3 weeks yay Yes, I’m tired like s**t from now, my eyes are red and hurt and sometimes I have blank moments, but I need to keep going. There are so many beutiful things I am looking forward that keep me from falling apart – Christmas in Canada (maybe), trip to Rome and Florence in March, still open for posibilities for the second week of spring break, then the summer (best case – in Put-in-Bay), transfer school next fall… Wow, I can’t recognize myself what optimist I have become
Of course, I have the small bad moments when I panick for a second and feel overwhelmed, but when it is not for more than a day, I am fine
Hmm, maybe I should write email to the “friends” group I have to exercise my Bulgarian because I am getting worried about it. It is getting harder and harder to express myself in BG. Even on Skype, now I talk only in English with my Belorussian friend (most times there is no one else online when I am online).
One thing that bothers me is the more the time goes, the more I get distanced from the friends at BG. Well, I guess that is the price I need to pay.
Sept. 12 (Bloomberg) — Hurricane Ike bore down on Texas, heading for landfall as early as today in Galveston, where forecasters warned residents of “certain death” if they ignore a mandatory evacuation order.
The warning from the National Hurricane Center also applies to coastal areas around Galveston, southeast of Houston, where highways were jammed yesterday as thousands fled inland. Galveston Bay will be pounded by an ocean surge as high as 25 feet (7.6 meters), with water levels a mile in from the coast possibly exceeding 9 feet, the center said on its Web site.
“All neighborhoods and possibly entire coastal communities will be inundated during the period of peak storm tide,” the center said. “Persons not heeding evacuation orders in single family, one- or two-story homes may face certain death.”
Ike, which tripled in size in the Gulf of Mexico in the past two days, was a Category 2 hurricane with sustained winds of 105 miles per hour (169 kph), the center said just before 7 a.m. Houston time today. Ike is following a track similar to the 1900 Galveston hurricane that killed 8,000 people, the deadliest storm in U.S. history.
Ernest Baddeaux, a 66-year-old welder living a half-block from Galveston Bay in La Porte, said he was going to stay put.
“The officials and media tell you to evacuate but they don’t necessarily tell you where or how you’re going to pay for it,” he said as he hammered plywood over his windows.
How would you feel in such a situation? I can’t even imagine what it is to get on the car and go somewhere and then come back and find nothing – the home you have built is gone, some of your neighbors are gone, all is gone in the water. It just strucked me this morning while working out and watching CNN for the last update of the development of hurricane Ike, how small and miserable we are. Most of the time we think we could do everything we want, we are the most powerful. Yes, but no. When it comes to nature, we are nothing. We are just washed away in the water or blown away with the tonrnado.
One of my suitmates’ family lives at the area where the peak is expected. What if tomorrow she finds out her home was washed away? What am I supposed to tell her? “I’m sorry” And so what?
How does it feel to watch the TV and to be told to get out of your house or die? What if you can’t get out as Ernest Baddeaux can’t?
All this makes me feel very miserable and horrified.
So today I got old with one more year Several girls asked me how does it feel to be 21? Well, I don’t know yet .
I received lots of post cards, several presents, a cake, attention from everyone, but I still feel as if something is missing and it is not alcohol I don’t say that each B-day should be a big, noisy and memorable, but that is my day of the year to feel special. Yeah, I should feel special every day, but I don’t.
What I wanted to do several hours ago was dancing all night. Well, now at 11pm I feel like just lying in bed or on the coach and cuddle in his arms. I am not sad, just nostalgic. Right now he is probably on the plane and on his way back to Belarus. From now we started talking about plans how perhaps we could meet in March after my trip to Italy, but when I look at all kinds of prices (tickets, hotels, etc) I want to puke…if only I didn’t need a visa for Belarus…Some of you will wonder why after spending officially dating only a week, we make such plans. Well, it’s hard to say. Just both of us had a great time and I feel like as if I know him from much longer than one summer. I don’t say I’m planning to marry him, it’s just hard to go away from someone who made you happy and keeps doing it even only by email/ ICQ.
I don’t know why actually I keep kind of excusing myself for thinking about him. Maybe because I was used to do it all the time when I was talking about T. (actually using just T. is maybe confusing because both names start with T. Well, my ex is Teodor, and my Belarusian guy’s name is Artem, but everyone calls him Tim, but I will keep using T. for Teodor). There is nothing bad about having wild and even unreal dreams. I don’t know how he makes it, but he keeps me smiling and I would love to see him again some day. Yeah, I know, I know…I should learn to be happy by myself, but I’m halfway there The relationship with him is much less traumatizing than with T. which is a progress. I don’t remember when was the last time I cried, while before it was the opposite.
So many questions, so little answers…What is right, what is wrong? Well, I guess the time will show.
Here I come…at the end of my summer…wow I can’t believe it’s over At some point it was going very slow, but the last two weeks were and still are the best. I left the island on Sunday. Gosh, it was hard. First I got used to the people and the place. Most of the people were crying, icluding me, when I was saying “goodbye”. Second, it happened in such a way that from last Monday me and one of the guys from Belarus started dating. He was living in my house with Anton and Yulia (his best friends) and we were having lots of fun, but it just happened the last week, on the night of the Christmas employee party that we just sticked together Oh my, that was the best week ever. I would like to say “I don’t need a man to make me happy” but I guess that is not true. Oh well, whatever…the important thing is I was happy and I think finally was able to realize that T. (BG) is not the last man in this world and I could be happy with someone else. The problem is why I always get in relationships over the ocean??? Probably I won’t see him again, but..the memories will stay which is the cool thing
Right now I’m visiting Radinka and on Thursday I’m flying to Kansas City, staying with Eli for the night and Friday morning heading back to Cottey. I don’t how I feel right now about it…both happy and sad…
Тъкмо сеприбирамотработа. Утрепочивам. Този weekend беше Christmass in July, т.еощееднапричинаамериканцитедасенапият. Вчерабешекошмар. Днессъщо, нонетолковазле. Да, задвадниизкарах 100$ самоотбакшишиаманевсичкосекупуваспари – толковасъмизтощена, ченемогадагоопиша. Кракатамеболят, ръцете..днесзамалкодаизпуснакофатаследаиняколкочашисбезалкохолнозащотонемогадасисвияпръститеотболка. Понякогасечудяструвалиси? Несехранянормално, неспянормално..нищонеенормално, нокоевсъщностенормално? Нямалеснознам, но…простоимамнужда дасеоплача..катоняманакойпонетук. Освентовасечувствамзатъпяла…24/7 говорясамоза Boardwalk/ burgers/ fries/ drinks Мъчаседапишапонещичкозаесетатазаколежитеамапочтинищонесеполучава. Кактовинагиголемитеплановеколконещащесвършалятотосеизпаряваткактоилятотосеизпарява.
Като гледам няма да си тръгна с повече от 2500$ от тук. Имам още две седмици работа и това е. Когато дойдох бях с идеята, че ще се прибирам другото лято. Сега вече незнам…нищо не знам. Кое е добре, кое зле…Лид ме пита защо всъщност искам да се прибера? Ами може би защото прибирането сега е свързано с малко почивка, среща с приятели и вкусна БГ храна. Да, може да не звучи основателна причина да дам 1000-1200$ за билет, но…
*current mood: totally confused, depressed, feel like crying
В четвъртък имах разкъсан шифт както му казват тук и реших да се обадя вкъщи, че скоро не бях. Първо се чух с дядо ми, после с брат ми, който по принцип не е много разговорлив, но този път говорихме около 10 мин, което си е постижение за него Най-накрая се чух и с баба ми. След като ме просветли, че един познат се е оженил и какво става вкъщи, ми разказа какво се е случило преди 2 дни. Другата ми баба искала да вземе брат ми в Хасково за една вечер. Уж, първо просто така, но после станало ясно, че майка ми се появила от някъде пак и искала да го види. Да, обаче брат ми отказал, което е още едно доказателство за мен, че той вече не е детето, за което винаги го смятам. Въпреки, че се опитали да го убедят, той твърдо отказал. Последния път, когато се е виждал/чувал с майка ми е преди близо 3 години (ако не ме лъже паметта). То за нея е типично така да изниква от нищото и да се вживява в ролята на майката, която не може без децата си. Ами добре, ама е малко късничко за това. Или си в живота на тези деца или не. Не може вече осем години да си играеш игрички и да си мислиш, че като се обадиш в годината веднъж или на всеки две години и всичко ще е постарому. Не знам дали съм простила все още, но както казват времето лекува. Вече поне не изтръпвам всеки път като стане въпрос за нея. Не знам дали я виня. Сигурно си има нейните причини за постъпките си, но аз трудно намирам оправдания вече. А и тя сама си заяви, че няма нерви да се занимава с нас (цитирам точно). Ами като е така остави ни на мира венъж и завинаги. Времето не може да се върне назад, а и аз вече се примирих с мисълта, че не мога да разчитам на майка ми и баща ми, а виждам, че и брат ми май е взел да го усеща. За мен родителите не са най-важното нещо в този живот – ако бяха сега щях да съм в някаква зверска депресия и щях да работя като сервитьорка до края на живота си.
I tried actually a 100 times to decide, but I’m still in the middle of nothing. First I thought once I’m on the other end of the ocean, I will go over my feelings for him and I will start at new. Then I saw it’s not gonna happen, so I officially broke with him..we did not talk/write emails for a couple of months (he didn’t, I kept doing it because I had so many things to say). Then we tried the “friends” status, but again nothing…I still love him, he is still in my thoughts, my dreams, everywhere After I found out that the only plan to go to BG is next summer, I directly started making plans…I want to travel around the country, visit Shipka, Rilskiq manastir, Etara, etc. all such stuff, I want to go to the sea side, have a nice break, but there is one small detail-I want to go with him!!! I can’t imagine go home and not be with him..Gosh i spent 1/3 of my life loving him..how to stop now? I tried, but…I don’t want anybody else…
But after all nice dreams comes the reality – OK, we will spend next summer together, but then what? I’m coming back here for God knows how many years (more than 2, definately) and after 1 year here I still can’t think of any possible for him to come, so…how on earth we are gonna be together? I know the harsh reality, but I can’t control myself…we talked on the phone before a week…He is the only one I could talk at any time for everything no matter that we may not talk for months..while with everybody else I just feel more and more at distance and I don’t feel comfortable to talk and nobody else actually tries to keep connection with me as him which does not help me much.
What on earth is that power that pulls me to him???
Корема е добре вече. Така и не проумях какво беше, но ще послушам съвета на Лид и ще внимавам малко повече какво ям и пия макар, че е доста трудно тук.
В момента, в който показах на Пат четирите earning statements, които имам досега, тя каза, че не трябва да плащам Social Security and Medicare tax и каза, че ще ги оправят. Досега са ми взели над 100$ и не знам как ще ми ги върнат. Днес като отидох да взема от офиса кутията с парите за деня преди да отворим, Пат ми каза, че защото съм посочила американски адрес във формата за данъците (адреса на колежа) затова ми ги удържат и ми взе БГ адреса. Нищо лошо в това, но ще ми пратят W2 формата през януари в БГ и баба ми трябва да ми я прати обратно тук, а ме е шубе такива документи да се размятат по пощите…освен това всеки път нещо ме свива под лъжичката като стане въпрос за данъци и т.н. Нали нито съм легална, нито съвсем нелегална, някъде по средата…Охх, ще бера ядове и аз като Дани и Ели април месец като трябва да си оправя данъците ама нямам избор…никои нямаше да ме вземе съвсем на черно, т.е да ми плащат на ръка, без данъци, но и така като, че ли щях да съм още по-стресирана да не ме хванат. Сега поне ми е чиста съвестта, че давам достатъчно пари на държавата…и аз печеля и те печелят.
Утре ми е почивен ден и с една от българките ще се изявяваме като туристки-смятаме да обиколим всичко по-интересно на острова. А тези дни може и кану да покарам – имаме безплатни билети
Не мога да повярвам, че преполових лятото. Чувствам се доста изморена тези дни, особено след събота след като навъртях 13 часа пак, но ще стискам зъби и така…въпреки целия зор няма да събера кой знае колко пари, но пак е по-добре от нищо.
И пак ми е някакво самотно тези дни…преумората не ми действа много позитивно, но…I need to keep fighting…
Тази сутрин се събудих в 9 за да отида на безплатната закуска, която ни осигуряват всеки петък, въпреки, че бях на работа от 12 – щеше да е забавно. Та станах аз в 9 и в момента, в които взех да се обличам ме сряза ужасна болка ниско долу около яйчниците или каквото е там и аз незнам ама зверски боли. Едвам измъкнах един Аулин от чантичката с лекарства, изпих го и се върнах в леглото. Два часа по-късно трябваше да стана, за да се приготвя за работа. Все още болеше, но не толкова, но цял ден корема ми е подут и боли от време на време. Пих и Ношпа и едвам изкарах на работа до 7, защото взе да ме унася на сън, а и нямаше много работа. Не знам какво е, но дано мине. Мислех си, че е защото ще ми идва, но взех да се съмнявам, че е нещо друго…ухх дано мине до утре..нямам право да се разболявам, най-вече от нещо, което не знам как да лекувам
А да, за капак днес си взех чека за часовете ми миналата седмица – за 61.30 часа, 100$ такси!!! Чисти пари за тези часове след като ми удържат и наема – 300$. Да, на някои може да му звучат доста ама хич не са доста за 60 часа. Утре ще говоря с Пат – другите чужденци не плащат толкова много А и на мен няма и да ми ги върнат.
This is an email I have just received from my PEO lady that I most keep in touch. That woman is amazing and I’m looking forward meeting her in August.
*The last line made me cry*
“Vesi,
I ordered the curtains and they will ship them directly to you at the college. I put arrival date of august 14th so they will hold the package for you.
I hope you like me helping you getting your room all ready?
I am happy to do it for you.
I could be your mom for now.
Quita”
The first year at Cottey is done. It is still hard to believe ) I finished the second semester with GPA 4.00 and I received three scholarships for my academic and extracurricular activities. The graduation was hard. I cried a lot. Cried because Dani is leaving and won’t be there when I come back. Rubie seniors also won’t be there. I’m sick of getting separated from people I love. It looks like always will be this way. Getting close with somebody and then they should leave or I should leave. Story of my life.
I have been at Put-in-Bay for 2 weeks. Eveything is fine so far except my house is a little creepy and I don’t have Internet yet, but…I hope it will work soon. People are nice and the island is amazing. I love it and I’m happy Kal is here, too.
I’m 99% sure I’m not going home until next May. I don’t know how I feel about it. Sometimes sad, sometimes indifferent. Memories started haunting me again. The sooner I start working more, the better…less time for thinking, the better…
Докато се ровех из плейлистите в уинапм, намерих тази стара позабравена песен и от няколко дни само нея слушам…незнам защо всеки път ме побиват тръпки като я чуя. Исках да сложа и видео, но няма.
“Толкова” – Слави Трифонов
Толкова неща съм отминавал,
Толкова любов забравил съм до днес.
С толкова сълзи съм бил прощаван до сега,
Толкова ръце са ме изпращали!
Ше идва лятото, след него есента,
ще литнат спомени и пак не спя.
За да мога отново при вас да се върна
с обич и щастие да ви подаря!
Като огън ще паля и топля сърцата,
ще хвърлям в очите ви огнени звезди тази нощ,
тази нощ, тази нощ.
Толкова мечти съм разпиляла,
пътища и дни от мен избягали!
Толкова слънца и бели птици срещнах аз,
толкова очи са ме обичали!
Ше идва лятото, след него есента,
ще литнат спомени и пак не спя.
Ше идва лятото,след него есента,
ще литнат спомени и пак не спя.
Mainly after my mother left (7th grade) I started more consciously to care how I looked like, what I was eating, what I was doing, etc. The main contribution was my grandmother’s because I kept hearing how stupid I was, how people think I was not good for anything and what b**ch I was and so on (she directly said that, I don’t make it up, but I’m not saying it for compassion, just to get to the point).
So first I started caring how I looked like. I stopped eating at school breaks (and it was another way to save money), stopped eating bread and oily stuff at home. In the course of time, I just always kept caring what I was eating and every time I ate something “wrong” I felt guilty. I started caring what clothes I was wearing and how I behaved with others. In a result, I started closing more and more in myself. Then in 8th grade started the obsession with the grades. I just needed to prove them I was not as stupid as they thought, so I kept straight excellent grades. And year after year I kept doing all these, but my self-esteem kept going down. I have never been satisfied enough with myself. At some point around the end of 11th grade, I started changing a little, but not much. Even now I realize I haven’t changed much. I watch out what I eat, how my hair look, teeth, clothes look like. I feel guilty when I don’t have time for fitness, I almost got sick when I found out I gained 4 pounds after Christmas break and when my grades are not all As. Gosh, is this going end some day? I know there are no perfect people and there are always people that are better than me, but still….
The reason for this post is that I ate two bars of Sneakers in a row yesterday because I have been studying all day for the finals and I just needed to eat something. And I just caught myself feeling guilty that I shouldn’t have eaten them and again for how long I haven’t exercise. And just like that I realized I have been doing it for years.
I decided to take a break and watch “Shall we dance?” and once again realized how much I love dancing and how much I miss the Latino dance classes I have been taking back home
This isn’t a new feeling for me and I have progress in overcoming it, but still…This week is just unhumanly busy..sometimes I don’t know which is reality which is a dream..everything is meesed up in one…It’s not only for me, of course, but still in those crazy moments I found out I’m most vulnerable and it’s the easiest time to get desperate. My main concern right now is this semester’s GPA. I have a feeling it won’t be again 4.00-yes, I’m perfectionist because I have always done good, but I want to be perfect-how others do it? Not that I’m doing bad, but mainly with the International relations I don’t know what will happen. I study as much as I can, the professor was missing for 2 months and now every point matters because we don’t have time for many quizes or exams. The material is hard to study, mainly when he wants us to know every word I studied till the middle of the night last night, and today I felt so helpless when I couldn’t write everything on the quiz. I almost started crying in class-STUPID!!!
Before a while I saw the several posts Lyd wrote in her group about who is accepted where-I’m very happy because it appears this year’s group is quite strong if I can call it this way. But also I start thinking about my bad results, and how I make a lot of plans for next year, and how probably I will not go to the college I really like, but the college which will give enough money and where everybody goes(probably Smith or Mount Holyoke). I don’t say they are bad colleges, but there is just something that bothers me..I don’t know… I can’t explain it.
Ohh I’m so tired right now and I feel like writhing a whole bunch of negaitve stuff…
Oh, also one of my best friends at home, who applied to Cottey last year, but the scholarship wasn’t enough, told me today she was accepted again and asked for advise. Oh, boy, the email I wrote wasn’t very encouraging, but what can I say…if I was in her position, studying Japanese and having family to which I’m very close, I won’t come here probably. No matter what, I’m here mainly because I was motivated to escape from my grandparents and all the stupid stuff that was around me. Am I happy here? Yes, I’m glad for the edication and the opportunities I have, but always something bothers me that I could have done more. It will always bother me that I probably disappointed Lyd with my disastrous results, despite the year off, and all these…
I know the fact I became the SGA President is not little, and also today I found out I’m the student of the month,and I was in Top 10 in my class last semester and let’s hope this one, too, so what more I can ask for somebody would say? Well, I don’t know…why I still feel stupid sometimes? Why it is so hard to believe in myself?
I know it will sound abstract, but all these questions just keep torturing me.
How could you define a friend? Are there such things as friends forever or at least friends until something very serious does not separate us? I’m talking about all this because of a girl I know since 8th grade. We were in the same class and now we are in the same college. However, since the beggining of the year things always have been half good, half bad. Always some misunderstanding, silence, tension. One day everything is fine, the next day she will not talk to me. OK, I don’t accept friendship like that. Why with the other girl here that we did not know each other before so well, everything get along great? Since a month ago things got worse than ever. She will not ask me for lunch or dinner, even not sit with me (or us), or if she sits, she will not say a word. OK, I now it is very hard time of the year, mainly with all this transfer stuff and uncertainty, but aren’t firends for both good and bad moments? Or maybe I don’t have the right to expect from her what I would do? Maybe she is different and likes it this way. After the last “quarrel” when I cried again because I felt hurt when somebody I consider very close behaves very rude, we pretty much stopped seeing each other, talking or anything. I miss her and I don’t feel comfortable around her without talking. I sent her an email (because when I try to talk about that I just start crying) just to tell her I’m always there for her and when she feels like talking, she could always come, but I got no answer. It is so hard just to let everything go. I hate such relations and feel guilty as usual that maybe the problem is with me, but she is not saying it. I actually don’t know what to think…I try not to pay too much attention, but still..
I’m feeling special. I’m the new SGA President. I still can’t believe it. Well, I won’t be a peer listener this way, but I will be more active on this position. I’m the first international student being a president of SGA and also I will be the only Bulgarian here next year…I’m feeling special…and more confident..yeeeeeee pretty much now every freshmen on campus knows me
Гледам да взимам интересни часове или поне един-два да не са толкова свързани с четене като пияното и хора този семестър. Не съм от най-активните тази година освен, че съм в SGA май друго по-важно няма. Догодина ще съм Peer Listener, Golden Key и все по-сериозно си мисля да се пробвам за президент на SGA (изборите са след седмица). Е, няма гаранция, че ще ме изберът, но ако не това все ще си остана като Senator-at-Large. Това ще е добра възможност да говоря повече пред хора, да се срещам с по-голям диапазон от хора и да стана малко по-уверена. Малко се притеснявам да не си разваля GPA-то, нали съм си маниак и все за 4.00 се блъскам. Освен това от както съм се прибрала от ваканцията гледам да ходя по-често на фитнес, старая се да се сприятелявам с различни хора. Знам, че винаги може повече, но все пак не съм се заключила в стаята и да не искам да виждам никой. И все пак нещо ми липсва…независимо колко съм заета все не се чувствам 100% на място..не мога да го обясня точно…Уж казват с времето ще станат нещата, но ще видим.
Тези дни пак непрекъснато се разговори кой се прибира, защо, кога и т.н. И отново осъзнах, че не всичко е толкова просто-не мога просто да си хвана багажа и да кажа “Отивам си за ваканцията” (както някой хора правят). Защо искам да се прибера за другата Коледа? Ами вече ми избиват лудите тук, самотно ми е, искам да се видя с приятели, може би и с него, да си върна част от багажа, защото нали по всяко време трябва да съм в състояние да си събера багажа в два куфара, също мога да държа TOEFL, защото поне от към пътни няма да е толкова скъпо (тук ще трябва да дам поне 50-60$ за газ, за да ме закарат до тест центъра).
Преди всичко друго трябва да видя какво ще изкарам лятото, но после се почва чуденето ами ако ме приемат някъде другата година все ще има пари за плащане, а може и да са доста, т.е трябва да остана и другото лято да работя (евентуално). Да, това е думата, която ползвам най-често (евентуално и ако), защото все нещо трябва да стане, за да стане ясно друго нещо и така до безкрай.
А защо не мога да се почувставам тук достатъчно добре, за да нямам нужда да се прибирам? Каква е гаранцията, че като се прибера с половината хора, с които сме уж приятели вече няма да са ми толкова близки. То сега след 7 месеца вече се чувставам супер отдалечена, да не говорим за още толкова или година.
Поне като го напиша не се чувставам гузна, че говоря с хората за едно и също нещо. Това му е хубавото на блога-никога не се оплаква и не се чувстам досадна
Гледах най-после Atonement. Може би защото бях предупредена, че е тъжен и не плаках. За разлика от The Notebook, на който просто се скъсах, може би защото повече ми напомняше за него..имаше реплики, който все едно слушах него, а не актьора, който ги казва. Еми да, аз на филми и песни, които ми напомнят за мен и него плача най-много…еми какво да се прави като съм безнадежна романтичка.
For a very long time I haven’t heard a song that gives me creeps while I listen to it. Well, this one is such. I just can’t stop listening it..it just says everything I want to say…
Enrique – “Sombody’s me”
You, do you remember me?
Like I remember you?
Do you spend your life
Going back in your mind to that time?
Because I, I walk the streets alone
I hate being on my own
And everyone can see that I really fell
And I’m going through hell
Thinking about you with somebody elseSomebody wants you
Somebody needs you
Somebody dreams about you every single night
Somebody can’t breath without you, it’s lonely
Somebody hopes that one day you will see
That Somebody’s Me [2x]
How, How could we go wrong
It was so good and now it’s gone
And I pray at night that our paths soon will cross
And what we had isn’t lost
Cause you’re always right here in my thoughts
Somebody wants you
Somebody needs you
Somebody dreams about you every single night
Somebody can’t breath without you, it’s lonely
Somebody hopes that one day you will see
That Somebody’s Me [2x]You’ll always be in my life
Even if I’m not in your life
Because you’re in my memory
You, will you remember me
And before you set me free
Oh listen please
Somebody wants you
Somebody needs you
Somebody dreams about you every single night
Somebody can’t breath without you, it’s lonely
Somebody hopes that one day you will see
That Somebody’s Me [5x]
) I might not be an American, but I like all these celebrations 
It is an election day for the new parliament back in Bulgaria. I am not voting just because I did not think about it earlier to check how I could vote from here. Frankly, I don’t know much except that there are several new parties/ coalitions and of course everyone is promising great things. I might be generalizing, but from the little I know that’s the impression I got. It is very sad that many people will not vote even though they live in Bulgaria. Despite everything I still keep my hopes up that the situation in the country will improve some day. It will take a lot of time and effort, but there is always hope.
The first time I heard about this book was during one of Lyd’s courses and I always wanted to read to, so I decided now was the time. And actually I finished it for 4 days 
And Micheal Jackson…for me he is a legend. Even though he was a little before my time, I still like most of his music and I think he was very talented. People argue that he was weird, but I am sure he had very good reasons for everything he had done. This is one of my favorite songs…
Yay for promotion on all movie channels 
The only thing I could say is that this is a GREAT BOOK!
*The collage is made by one of my friends. The pictures are from different parts of Bulgaria.*
I started “Impulse” right after finals and finished it pretty much as quick as the other books and loved it as much as the others or even a little bit more. I think putting the stories of Vanessa, Conner and Tony together made the book engaging from the first to the last page and typical for Ellen Hopkins the end touched something directly in my heart.
Do you play piano? How do you feel about it?
Днес се събудих в 10, ходих на обяд, говорих с Т (БГ) (да, стана ми мъчно пак, но като цяло се чувствах добре), писах по есетата за голямата стипендия (почти съм готова), после беше Pizza with the Prez. Уж всички казаха, че се справих добре ама аз се почувствах малко кофти, защото доста често не можеха да разберат въпроса, който четях и трябваше да се повтарям. Да, знам, че имам акцент ама не мисля, че е чак толкова зле или поне никога не ми е правило такова впечатление. След това гледах “The Secret”, филм който си беше малко като preaching как мислите ни влияят на начина ни на живот и беше малко странно на моменти. Взех си душ и сега ще си довърша есетата. Тази седмица няма да е толкова зле (поне засега не изглежда зле). Другата седмица имам два изпита, SAT results ще излезнат на 20ти а съботата след това със съквартирантката се каним да ходим на shopping до Канзас Сити, защото след Thanksgiving няма да има време за пазаруване на подаръци за Коледа, а тази година имам на кого да купя нещо (мойте трима сладурски братовчеди в Канада 
