“Толкова”

Докато се ровех из плейлистите в уинапм, намерих тази стара позабравена песен и от няколко дни само нея слушам…незнам защо всеки път ме побиват тръпки като я чуя. Исках да сложа и видео, но няма.

“Толкова” – Слави Трифонов

Толкова неща съм отминавал,
Толкова любов забравил съм до днес.
С толкова сълзи съм бил прощаван до сега,
Толкова ръце са ме изпращали!
Ше идва лятото, след него есента,
ще литнат спомени и пак не спя.

За да мога отново при вас да се върна
с обич и щастие да ви подаря!
Като огън ще паля и топля сърцата,
ще хвърлям в очите ви огнени звезди тази нощ,
тази нощ, тази нощ.

Толкова мечти съм разпиляла,
пътища и дни от мен избягали!
Толкова слънца и бели птици срещнах аз,
толкова очи са ме обичали!
Ше идва лятото, след него есента,
ще литнат спомени и пак не спя.

Ше идва лятото,след него есента,
ще литнат спомени и пак не спя.

I keep proving/torturing myself

Mainly after my mother left (7th grade) I started more consciously to care how I looked like, what I was eating, what I was doing, etc. The main contribution was my grandmother’s because I kept hearing how stupid I was, how people think I was not good for anything and what b**ch I was and so on (she directly said that, I don’t make it up, but I’m not saying it for compassion, just to get to the point).

So first I started caring how I looked like. I stopped eating at school breaks (and it was another way to save money), stopped eating bread and oily stuff at home. In the course of time, I just always kept caring what I was eating and every time I ate something “wrong” I felt guilty. I started caring what clothes I was wearing and how I behaved with others. In a result, I started closing more and more in myself. Then in 8th grade started the obsession with the grades. I just needed to prove them I was not as stupid as they thought, so I kept straight excellent grades. And year after year I kept doing all these, but my self-esteem kept going down. I have never been satisfied enough with myself. At some point around the end of 11th grade, I started changing a little, but not much. Even now I realize I haven’t changed much. I watch out what I eat, how my hair look, teeth, clothes look like. I feel guilty when I don’t have time for fitness, I almost got sick when I found out I gained 4 pounds after Christmas break and when my grades are not all As. Gosh, is this going end some day? I know there are no perfect people and there are always people that are better than me, but still….

The reason for this post is that I ate two bars of Sneakers in a row yesterday because I have been studying all day for the finals and I just needed to eat something. And I just caught myself feeling guilty that I shouldn’t have eaten them and again for how long I haven’t exercise. And just like that I realized I have been doing it for years.

I decided to take a break and watch “Shall we dance?” and once again realized how much I love dancing and how much I miss the Latino dance classes I have been taking back home