Crank

Two weeks ago Ellen Hopkins, the author of Crank and four other books, was a guest speaker on campus. It was a shuttering speech about her books, how she got the ideas for them, but mainly it was very personal speech. I have been dealing with a drug addict (YES, alcohol is a drug and could ruin one’s life) all my life and I know very well the answers of the questions Ellen was asking – How could a mother leave her child/ren? (She just leaves and never turns back) Is the drug more powerful than everything else? (YES) Is there a way out? (Maybe).

I started Crank last night. The book is about Ellen’s daughter and her addiction to crank meth and it is written from the perspective of the daughter. On one side, it is easy to read because it is in a poem style, but at the same time I choke on every word…but I want to know, I want to get into an addict mind and see what happens there..I will probably read the other four, too.

Here is an exerpt from Crank:

Just Before The DropYou know how you
stand and stand and stand
in line for the most
gigantic incredible roller
coaster
you’ve ever dared attempt.

Anticipation swelling,
minute by minute by minute,
you choose to wait even
longer, to ride in the front
car
and finally it’s your turn.

They buckle you in, lock the
safety bar with a jolting clunk!
Hook engaged, the chain jerks
you forward. You start to
climb
Crank-crank-crank.

Cresting the top, time
moves into overtime
as you wait for that scant
hesitation, just before you
drop

You know how you feel
at that instant? Well, that’s
exactly how it feels when you
shake hands with the
monster.

College life these days

Half of the weekend is gone…the PEO visit day wasn’t as bad as
C” for Yourself wekend, but still I am super tired. However, it was nice to meet with the three ladies from one of the chapters that takes care of me as an IPS recipient. They were very nice and also brought me an enormous package with lots of stuff from the whole chapter. Also so far I got at least 12 Halloween cards from the California chapter…those women are crazy They get excited for Halloween much more than for anything else

Tomorrow would fly even faster – brunch, call home for my brother’s birthday, initiations and then GP (the Halloween tradition campus). It is cool but time consuming….

I finished one of the scholarship applications and sent it today-next Monday I will find out if I am nominated and meanwhile I started working on the Jack Kent Cook application which is the bummer, but I got some ideas and went to the writing tutor and I think she will be of great help for this, so we will see what happens.

I went through my college chart today and basically I have left essays and financial documents and to put everything into envelopes – the goal is to send everything before Christmas break *hopeful*.

I have a Spanish quiz on Monday, art exam on Tuesday, psy exam on Wednesday, Spanish homework on Friday, SAT on Saturday, Spanish exam next Monday and Religions exam next Wednesday…mm yeah…nice. Plus there will be a Judicial board hearing this or next week – as usual in the most inappropriate moment. As Jeanna says, I need to learn say “no” but I can’t. When Helen asked me if I could be the chair because the actual chair has a conflict of interest I just couldn’t say “no”. Do I like all of this? Yes and no. Yes because it keeps me busy and I don’t have much time to think about stuff that makes me sad because that is what I usually do. No because I feel exhausted and not normally functioning, but who decides what is normal and what not?

And on top, he came back on the horizon (the Bulgarian he). It is good that he has some progress and realized that all his anger towards me is pointless and just keeps me even farther from him. He agreed to be friends and to talk from time to time and write emails. Am I happy about that? Yes, on one side because I couldn’t stand his anger and bad attitude. On the other side, no, because I might start something again that should have been finished long time ago and that might not be a good idea to revive. I miss him, I miss talking with him the way we were used to talk, not as we did during the last year.

Last night

Angèle Dubeau & La Pietà had a concert in campus – it was the best concert I have been to – 4 violins, 2 violas, piano, bass and chello It filled my soul with this special feeling I have for music, particularly classic music…

Current music: Vanessa MaeCurrent mood: unknown

Dark

Windy, super cloudy, 50F, it’s gonna start storming any second…ahh, it’s always so funny when the weather outside and the way I feel inside overlap…I just wanna crowl in bed and read something nice, but that is not gonna happen this life.

The weekend was much worse than I expected. I have so much to do now that I don’t know where to start from..it’s so overwhelming…Sunday night I needed to go to bed before midnight just because I was super light – headed and I felt I would faint any second.

It is so hard to smile. I am trying, but without much success. And it’s getting harder to sleep again, but this time I fall asleep quickly, but then come the nightmares. I am waking up 100 times and it takes me a while to realize what is happening.

I am trying one day at a time, but it does not work very well. There are many things to write/read that I can’t make a plan what to go first..errr…not good.

Probably at the end everything will be OK, but still the panic does not let me go, the panic that I will fail and I can’t afford that. Why? Because every little thing shutters my self-conscious. It’s like going on a lader – when something pushes you, you go back to the first steps no matter how far you have been…and I can’t do back..I don’t want to go back…

Crazyyyyyyy

The 3-day weekend was supposed to prepare me for the crazyness of the next 3 weeks, but it didn’t work so well. It’s true I did a lot of useful stuff, but I needed to do more. I always need to do more.

I feel as hit by a truck after yesterday. I went out of my room at 7.30am and if I don’t count that I came back just to change my books several times, I came back at 11pm! Today is not so bad, but still…the weekend will be worse than I excpeced – 96 prospective students and 70 guests are coming. Me and my roommate are hosting together 5 in our suite which is not a big deal, but it’s gonna be freaking crowded on campus. On Sunday when they leave there is a LEO supper and tradition – I have no idea when I am going to study.

Next weekend – worse. All day Saturday I will deal with PEOs, then Sunday – initiations and GP and I have to study for 2 exams for the last week of October and then November 1st – SAT. I am gonna be like dead …I am so afraid I will fail again Not to mention that I have no idea when and how I will write the 2 essays for Jack Kent Cooke schoalrship + all small supplements for the colleges.

*I gave 180$ for new glasses that MAY BE ready by this Friday, but who knows…my eyes hurt so bad *

Panic embraces my soul…I need to save myself somehow…I need to survive…

Excited

Niagara Falls, here I come for the winter break

I got my visitor visa for Canada so I am going to visit my uncle and his wife and 3 kids in Toronto for the winter break *party* I haven’t seen him and my aunt for 11 years and I haven’t seen any of the kids, so I’m more than excited