The past and the present #2

I have been thinking about my biological mother today after a conversation with Q. Do I still consider her my mom? Can I call her “mom”? Well, I don’t think so. It might be cruel and I know even in the Bible it says to love your parents no matter what, but how about the parents? Are they allowed to forget about their kids? How about that? I don’t feel guilty for the way I feel. I don’t know what I would tell her if I see her again some day because for me she is a stranger. I think it is so hard to get over this because of what I had been through with my grandparents. I guess I have always blamed her for leaving me with them. Yeah, they fed me and gave me a roof to stay under, but what about the price I had to pay? What about the endless offenses, exploitation, name-calling, low self-esteem, physical self-harm, etc. How to erase all this?

For almost 22 years for the first time this summer I feel like a part of a normal family. It feels so good to sit on the table with someone, to know I could rely on someone and someone considers me as special. I have talked a little about this here. It is hard to explain. At the same time, I am not sure I know how to react sometimes, this is all so new to me. After all these years I believe everything happens for a reason and maybe I had to go through all the crap in the past to finally find peace and love. I started realizing that I am what I am because of my past. If I did not want to escape from everything at home I might not have come here and never met my new mom As one of my friends always told me at Cottey when I felt down “Happy thoughts, happy thoughts.” I guess I need to remind this to myself more often and maybe the past will leave me alone