What will happen if I stop writing to the so-called “friends”? What if I become the one who only replies and does not write? Well, pretty much I won’t hear from probably anyone, but also I will wonder if a given friendship did not break because of me? At the same time, I get a little tired of writing to people who never respond. How do you keep a friendship alive? How do you know when to give up? If I keep writing and get no response I feel bad and start wondering what’s wrong. If I stop writing I will start wondering if I am not hurting someone’s feelings. But I really get frustrated when I don’t hear back from people for weeks and months. Of course, there are various types of friends and with some you keep the connection by constant communication while with others the connection stays even if we don’t talk for months. However, I am quite open and I like sharing my experiences as well as knowing what is happening in my friends’ lives. After all that’s why we are friends – to be there for each other in any kind of situation. Yeah, sounds kind of corny, but if I don’t give 100% of myself I don’t feel good.
One of my friends used to say that I am thinking too much sometimes. Well, that is how I am, but I don’t know how to change to feel good with myself. I am always worried what other people are thinking, always wondering if I am doing the right things. I have been working on finding what I want and trying to put myself first, but it’s not easy after years and years doing what other people expected me to do and proving that I am not the bad person some people thought I was. I start to realize that the several years spent in hating myself and beating myself up will haunt me for quite a while…
I have been looking at classes lately just because I always need a plan as my roommate used to say And of course with the creation of the plan started the big choosing, thinking, wondering. What is good? What is bad? Which class is useful? Which is not? I really want to focus on Psy because for the last two years I have only 3 Psy classes and if I want to find some major-related internship/research/etc for next summer I really need some solid knowledge. At the same time, I don’t want to limit myself just to that field plus that’s why I came to US – to explore and experiment. If I wanted just Psy classes I would have just stayed in Bulgaria. But because of Smith’s credit class system it is really hard to pick more than one extra class in order not to get too overwhelmed. So with the latest update I am looking at some English literature, Acting, Drawing, Exercise, and perhaps Spanish (but I think I am leaning more and more toward “no” for the Spanish).
One of the campus clubs at CC (Pride) showed the movie in Hink several months ago, but I could not go see it, so finally tonight I was able to watch it after hearing great reviews about it. The story is about the gay activist Harvey Milk and I think Sean Penn did an amazing job in this role and he fully deserves the Oscar he received for it.
The movie follows Milk from 1970, when he moved to San Francisco, opened a camera shop, and decided to fight for gay rights. After several defeats, finally, in 1977, Harvey Milk was elected to the San Francisco Board of Supervisors and became the first openly gay man to be voted into major public office in America. From senior citizens to union workers, Harvey Milk changed the very nature of what it means to be a fighter for human rights and became, before he was murdered in 1978, a hero for all Americans.
That movie reminded me a lot of “Iron Jawed Angels” – a great movie about the women’s movement and the fight for the right to vote for women.
According to Buddha “Life is suffering” and while many people do not agree just because no one wants to suffer, I started seeing meaning in that saying. It is kind of connected with my last post. If we don’t suffer, most times we don’t appreciate what we have. There is a very good possibility that I may not have been what I am today if I haven’t suffered all these years. Sometimes I wonder what kind of a person I would have been if I grew up in a happy and loving family. Would I be so motivated to achieve everything I have achieved? I don’t know. I don’t say that the biggest achievers and great people in the world are only the ones from dysfunctional families, but very often the ones who have everything (as according to society everything means enough money, clothes, food, parents,etc.) often do not appreciate it or live their lives without realizing that there are other kinds of people around the world.
So I decided this kind of approach gives me some satisfaction that through my pain in the past I have grown into the person I am today – strong, motivated, and giving.
This is one of my favorite movies. It is based on Virginia Woolf’s book “Mrs. Dalloway” and tells the story of three women – Virginia Woolf writing the book, a woman in the 1950s reading the book, and Clarissa in 2001 playing as Mrs. Dalloway and how their lives are connected. Every time I watch the movie I cry for the last 30 minutes of it just because the whole topic of mothers leaving their children is still too painful. Though I know she had really good reasons to leave, it still hurts…
I have been thinking these days how sometimes great, very motivated children grow up in a very dysfunctional families and usually that’s the reason they are so motivated. At the same time, many children from such families end up as drug addicts and school drop-outs. And vice verse. Very often people think that good parents guarantee raising good children, but that does not always apply, too. So how do you balance giving your children enough love and care, but, at the same time, letting them be independent and interested enough in what’s happening around them?
Quite short, but full with meaning book. The main story is about a rebellion in a farm against the human exploitation of the animals and how the animals ruled a farm by themselves. However, at some point the leader of the group started diverting from the initial goals and in the end he and his closest followers partnered with the humans and started resembling them and exploited the animals even more than before.
The book came out in 1945 and initially it was thought to be a satiric fable about the Soviet Union, but if one looks closer in the meaning of the book, one would discover that Orwell described the course of any revolution. A revolution usually starts with the unrest of the lowest class which is exploited. There is a leader who organizes the unrest and who proclaims himself as the one who will save the masses. But in the end, this same leader forgets his initial ideas and get caught in the strive for power and starts controlling the masses who follow him unquestionably just because it all started with the deep belief that he is the one who will bring wealth and better life.
Another book from my favorite author. If you are majoring in counseling psychology this is a must-read book! It answered a lot of the questions I had and it is fun to read because it is written in the form of letters to one of the graduate students of Dr. Pipher
Barry White – “You are the first, my last, my everything”
A song from my favorite TV show “Ally McBeal.” I used to watch it back when I was in high school and used to cry most of the times just because so many things resembled what I was going through in one or another way.
I woke up at 6am today so I could spend half of the day with a friend of Quita who is a psychologist and works in a school with children with special needs. It was great to meet with the kids and the 6 Psychology interns who have been in the school for almost a year now. But the best part was that I learned more about the whole process of becoming a psychologist. I sure was a little surprised, but obviously for a PhD I need to spend 7 more years in school, which I don’t mind…I just need to find someone to pay for 5 of them (the next 2 are covered). It looks like my plan with the internships for next summer is not that great just because as an undergraduate it’s almost impossible to find one, not to mention that most are not even paid. No one says I need to stay in school all these years straight, but that’s the best way to keep my status in this country. Plus the higher the degree, the more opportunities are available.
Uncertainty is definitely both scary and exciting. From now I can’t decide anything and I have no way of knowing what is going to happen several years from now, but I hope I will reach my goal one day – having a PhD and working with people, being of some help to them. That is all I want.
Despite my uncertainty about the future, more than ever I know I have made the right choice and Psychology is the field I want to be though I might be 30 before I get to really do what I dream of
This year I am spending it in Coronado attending a parade, various gatherings and watching fireworks (instead of a double shift and full exhaustion like last year ) I might not be an American, but I like all these celebrations
5th of July:
It is an election day for the new parliament back in Bulgaria. I am not voting just because I did not think about it earlier to check how I could vote from here. Frankly, I don’t know much except that there are several new parties/ coalitions and of course everyone is promising great things. I might be generalizing, but from the little I know that’s the impression I got. It is very sad that many people will not vote even though they live in Bulgaria. Despite everything I still keep my hopes up that the situation in the country will improve some day. It will take a lot of time and effort, but there is always hope.
The author of “Reviving Ophelia” did a great job once again only this time she explored the cases of bolimic, anorexic and obese women. Even though her book is from ‘95 it pretty much describes what is happening right now with women.
So many women are obsessed with their weight and so many women die every year from eating disorders that it is just hard to put all this into words. Who came up with this “ideal” for women? Who said women who look like skeletons have to be the model for all women?
I almost started crying while reading part of the book because I wish I knew all these facts and good advices earlier so I could help some of my friends. I wrote in a previous post about one of my best friends who has been struggling with her weight for years. Though I sent her a super long email with various ideas and encouragements I doubt it will be enough for her to deal with this problem on her own. It breaks my heart to see how her weight controls every aspect of her life and I can’t do much
And of course with the creation of the plan started the big choosing, thinking, wondering. What is good? What is bad? Which class is useful? Which is not? I really want to focus on Psy because for the last two years I have only 3 Psy classes and if I want to find some major-related internship/research/etc for next summer I really need some solid knowledge. At the same time, I don’t want to limit myself just to that field plus that’s why I came to US – to explore and experiment. If I wanted just Psy classes I would have just stayed in Bulgaria. But because of Smith’s credit class system it is really hard to pick more than one extra class in order not to get too overwhelmed. So with the latest update I am looking at some English literature, Acting, Drawing, Exercise, and perhaps Spanish (but I think I am leaning more and more toward “no” for the Spanish).
Quite short, but full with meaning book. The main story is about a rebellion in a farm against the human exploitation of the animals and how the animals ruled a farm by themselves. However, at some point the leader of the group started diverting from the initial goals and in the end he and his closest followers partnered with the humans and started resembling them and exploited the animals even more than before.
Another book from my favorite author. If you are majoring in counseling psychology this is a must-read book! It answered a lot of the questions I had and it is fun to read because it is written in the form of letters to one of the graduate students of Dr. Pipher 
It is an election day for the new parliament back in Bulgaria. I am not voting just because I did not think about it earlier to check how I could vote from here. Frankly, I don’t know much except that there are several new parties/ coalitions and of course everyone is promising great things. I might be generalizing, but from the little I know that’s the impression I got. It is very sad that many people will not vote even though they live in Bulgaria. Despite everything I still keep my hopes up that the situation in the country will improve some day. It will take a lot of time and effort, but there is always hope.
