Growing up

or maybe just changing.

I had a surprise talk on the phone with one of the ghosts from the past. Yes, my dear “mom.” I am putting this in quotes because I don’t really know the person on the other side of the line. After leaving 9 years ago I have seen her 2-3 times for 2 hours and talked on the phone several times. Last time I saw her/heard from her was 4-5 years ago (I can’t remember exactly). Because I was caught by surprise (I was expecting to talk with my grandmother instead) I couldn’t react much than “I am doing alright.” Though she acted surprised, too she started chatting as if we have talked last week. I realize it was weird for both of us but still…once I hang up I just broke down and cried for probably 20 minutes. Why? Because all the pain came back. However, by the next day I was able to ignore all bad memories and keep going.

I am not writing all this so people will feel sorry for me. I write because I realized after so many years the pain is still there, but in much less amount. Usually in the past I will feel like dropped in a deep hole for a week at least. I realized she can no longer hurt me the way she used to. There is nothing more she can do that will be worse than what she has already done. She expects me to call her frequently now that I have her phone, but I am not going to. First, this is probably another one of her ‘good times’ and I don’t want to deal with all the drama in the end. Each of us has chosen her path in life and there is no coming back. She might have given birth to me, but that does not mean I need to melt from happiness every time I talk to her, even if it is every 5 years.

She told me once that she does not have “nerves to deal with us (me and my brother).” Well, she made her choice and I made mine. I have survived all these years without her and I just got used to living without such a figure in my life. Thanks to Q. I learned again what it means to have a family and a “mom.” As I have said before just because someone gave you birth does not mean they have a right to play with your life. It’s all about love and how you show that love.

I feel good and somehow I managed to reach this state when I could look on all this as just something normal and that there is no need to sit and cry. Cry for what? The past? Well, that can’t be changed for sure and I am the one who decides how the present and the future will be. And they definitely don’t include endless tears for someone who is long in the past.

According to some people I am being cruel and what-not. I am sorry, but I am just being reasonable. I have been through enough and I have no desire going back to where I am coming from. I worked very hard to reach some peace within myself and I am not giving it back.