Balance

Balance – the dream state of mind, body, and everything around us. Unfortunately, I am out of it quite often. Maybe. On one side, I feel like I am in balance if I keep up with all my classes, homework, exams, volunteering, etc. On the other side, I feel like I am way out of balance.

How long can you go with days which consist only of sleeping, eating, showering, being in class, and reading/writing? And I am not exaggarating at all. Yes, it’s not like this all the time, but when it is constant for several weeks, it gets unbearable. At least for me. I can’t handle all the workload if I am not constantly studying, but at the same time I put on hold all my other emotions and when I get a short break, even if it is an hour, all these emotions pour out. I am back and forth from full autopilot and just studying to feeling desperate to talk with someone or do something that does not involve reading.

Does it happen to you, too? How do you deal with it?

One solution for the moment is to just avoid most people because I am getting sick and tired of unnecessary drama plus I can’t keep my mouth shut much – if something is on my mind, I have to say it, and I am just afraid I might say something to someone that they won’t understand the way I mean it. I have no problem telling someone to cut the whining and do the job. The problem is they won’t understand and will just make a bigger deal out of it. Some people would call this hypocracy, but I don’t it is. Some people told me today that it is pretty depressive if I say I am avoiding people. Why? Just because I want to deal with my own things and not listen to constant whining and childish complaints? I don’t think that counts as depressed.

For most classes, I have one assignment left before finals and the pressure is high especially because I am doing well in all of them and I don’t want to mess up everything in the end. Yes, no matter how many years pass, my level of perfectionism is still pretty high

Lately

*Personal update*

The last 2 weeks have been quite crazy and pretty much every minute in which I am not sleeping or eating is connected with classes and reading/studying. I had a second wave of exams/assignments after midterms and now pretty much what is left is a Spanish presentation, one more regular exam, and then 3 finals and last lab report I don’t mean to complain. I enjoy every minute of it, but the problem comes when my body rejects my constant studying. Yesterday was especially tough. I felt I was carrying much more weight than just a back pack plus I had this terrible headache all day long. But all is done and all is going well.

Also with the exhaustion sometimes I lose my postive thinking and focus too much on small negative things which in the last two weeks included waking up in the middle of the night to call Public Safety because a girl collapsed in the bathroom at 4am after falling at my door first, listening to people’s drunken screams as well as loud activities in bed, contant complains on FB about lack of sleep and too much work. Yes, the work is a lot, but those who complain are the ones procrastinating all day and then rushing to write a paper at 1am and whining on FB. Well, it’s getting a little ridiculous. Cut the whining and do your job.

I am just getting tired of childish behavior and this constant need for drama. What is up with that? Life will be so much easier if everyone just do what they had to do and spend the rest of the time doing something enjoyable. So when all this combines with my own worries about exams and papers, it gets a little unbearable and frustrating. Some days all I hear about is who drank what, who puked where and who slept with whom. Even the other day when I opened the college paper one of the main articles was by a girl who tells how she practically slept with half of her house and was giving advices how this was a bad idea. Well, come on now. I don’t particulary care who sleeps with whom or who does what in their time. I know this is supposed to be “real college life” as some people would say and I know there are people like me who engage in other activities, too.  I guess I just need to find them

What gives me lots of power is mainly the dedication I see from all the professors I have, and especially the one I do research with. He is so amazing and inspiring that though I might spend 3-5 hrs running stats in SPSS or making tables or somehting like that I still love it I know that I will never be surrounded only by highly motivated people, but still this is supposed to be one of the best schools in the country and the professors expect so much from you that I was hoping that the other side of college life would have been more invisible, but I guess not.

I am mainly focused on what I want to take away from these 2 years here and that is as much as possible from everything However, as it was the case at CC, in the end I am sure there will be people who will be jealous of what I have done no matter what it is - well, sit, do your job and do the same things. That is the other thing. They not only whine, but at the end they want the most without doing the job. Well, I am sorry, but if you don’t work for something, you won’t get it. All the things I have done so far are not because someone just threw them at me, but because I spent endless number of hours working on them. I know this starts to sound a little too much like bragging, but my point is that I don’t like when people are jealous of me and even get frustrated that I didn’t fail (because some of them have this notion that I will most likely fail especially because English is my second language). Well, here is the secret – this fact is one of my main motivators. I am not going to let people judge me differently only because I was not born in this country and I have proved and I will keep proving that one’s capabilities have nothing to do with the fact where you are from, but it is all about motivation and dreams

Family weekend :)

Yay for family weekend <3 Q. and R.  made it here on Friday after traveling for two days Though Saturday was rainy and cold it was still fun to hang around with them. I missed them so much. It is kind of weird to have a family I miss. Since I came here two years ago, I used to miss only some of my friends while everyone else was counting down the days to go home, and now I am pretty much in the same place as everyone else I will be back in CA in two months from last Friday They came just in time – in the middle of the semester after all midterms were done It felt great to spend a day without studying and just enjoy my time I feel so energized today. I spent pretty much 10 hrs straight reading/writing today, but it was totally worth it

One of the main reasons I came here

Proudly presenting a small example of Smith’s great professors

The Sherrerd Prize for Distinguished Teaching recipients 2009

My amazing advisor – the recipient from last year

How open can you be online?

What do you use Facebook for?

I use it for networking and keeping in touch with people. It’s better than email because I could easily see what is happening with my friends as well as share some pictures.

However lately my newsfeed is packed up with people’s statuses that mainly contain the f-word or anything like that. I use my account to complain sometimes, too, but I feel like people need to be more considerate what they post on their accounts such as offensive comments, drunken pictures, etc. Not only because this information could be accessed by future employers or school administration, but also it gets offensive for their own friends, too. Isn’t there something better to say than “f*** my life, f***ing this and that,” etc? How about what did you read today? What is happening in the world or around you? What are your interests? Books? Music? Quotes?

I have never done it before, but I am on a mission to filter most of the feed that appeares on my newsfeed just because I am getting tired of certain people’s whining about school and life in general. My theory is less whining and more work and life is much easier and less stressful. If you spend less time on Facebook, watching movies or getting drunk every weekend, then the work load would feel much better. I am not saying it’s easy and not stressful at all, but many people add too much drama to the already existing stress…

After all the school program is made for people and it’s not that impossible to do. If you manage your time properly, nothing is that awful and you still have enough time to sleep

Being positive

is what gets you moving. Once you let the pesimistic thoughts conquer your mind, you are in trouble.

The more we focus on the negative, the more we will miss the beautiful moments around us. I notice that lately I get carried away by some of the comments some of the girls who just came in this country are making and it’s not helping us cope better at all. The more we focus on the bad things, the more bad things will occur around us. Sometimes you just need to pick your battles as my host mom says. If something is super unbearable, well ignore it. And everything else, just take it for granted and live with it. I don’t say to be passive about everything, but sometimes trying to change a whole nation’s attitutes is pretty much mission impossible. After all we are here for studying and if we can’t fit at all, we could always leave after we gradute. The world is big enough for all of us to fit somewhere

No title, just thoughts

You wake up one day and go out and walk at this new strange place which feels both so familiar and so distant. People passing by you, some smiling, some caught up in their own world. You see familiar faces and say quickly the overused “Hi, how are you? I am good how are you?” and keep going. You meet people in your classes, in the dinning hall, in your house. And they are all different and also so familiar. Part of them are so caught up in studying that they don’t have time to pay attention to you, others are too caught up in partying that you don’t have the patience for them. Where do you fit? Anywhere? Supposedly here you can meet grown up people and fit in, but the opposite gets more and more obvious.

Who are you? Does anyone care? People passing by and spedning much more energy on pretending to be something they are not instead of being who they really are. Why? No idea. Life would be much easier and happier if everyone was their own self. Why creating an image that people would like? What about an image you like? Some people achieve that. Others do not. Still others are overwhelmed by expectations, they can’t afford to show their true feelings.

You wake up every day and you need to keep showing the world how strong you are. You do not have a right to complain after everything you have been through. Not many people could be where you are, so you have to be happy. They don’t see you the way you want. They see you always smiling, always going through difficulties, always achieving. But no one sees your tears at night. No one sees the pain inside.

You have the music, the books, the piano. But they can’t answer your countless questions about yourself and the world around.

It’s fall. The trees are changing their colors. The sky is changing. The air is changing. You are changing.

What are you doing here?

Why do you go to college? What do you want to take away on graduation day? What is college all about? Just studying? Just partying? I don’t think so. As I have said million types in all the types of motivational essays I have wirtten in the last year and even before that college is about experience, learning about the world around you and learning about yourself. Who are you? Who do you want to be? I have been trying to answer all these questions since I could remember and in my junior year I still don’t have the full answer. But one thing I know for sure is you need BALANCE! No matter what are you doing, you need balance. If you let panick and fear to get to you, you are done. Once you start freaking out how much work you need to do, you get caught up in the vicous circle of sleepless nights, little social life, and mainly loneliness and despair. I have been there, I know how it is. And though I have learned a lot for the 2 years at CC, I still let people’s panick to get me. Why? Well, maybe because I have invested so much in all this that I want to take the most out of it. Why do I need high grades? Well, my scholarships depend on them, but also being on a full scholarship I feel this obligation of “paying off” by doing as much as possible. Yes, but crying to sleep because you feel overwhelmed or desperate is not a good pay off. A good pay off is to leave this college with a smile on my face and desire for even more studying and eventually changing the world. Because unfortunatelly from CC I left with this bitter feeling of exhaustion and memories of running around all day and feeling like dead most of the time. And for what? Yes, I got into a great college and I got all these scholarships, but could I have done it with a little less stress? Well, we will never know

And here comes the controvercy. If we don’t push our selves to our limits, how will we develop? If we don’t constantly challenge ourselves how will we discover new skills and ideas? I guess we need the skill of challenging ourselves within limits

What promted this post are just ideas from the last several days. It’s been just 2 weeks of school and I have already read tons of stuff, which I greatly enjoy. I am just worried how much of that material is going to stay. Plus, though I promised myself to wait, thoughts about graduate school, GRE (which for my dread is like SAT, it was a good slap in the face when I realized that last night), OPT, year off (maybe), etc. I guess because everything is so great here I need to find something to worry about as always. It’s high time to start listening myself to the advices I give other people and start enjoying my time because time flies like crazy and it depends on me with what feelings I will leave from here  in 2 years.

I worked hard for this and I am on a mission to get the most out of it with as much positive emotions as possible. I hope everyone else who is in college thinks that way, too

Poem #20

PABLO NERUDA

Poem # 20

Twenty Love Poems: And a Song of Despair

Tonight I Can Write Tonight I can write the saddest lines. Write, for example, “The night is starry and the stars are blue and shiver in the distance.” The night wind revolves in the sky and sings. Tonight I can write the saddest lines. I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too. Through nights like this one I held her in my arms. I kissed her again and again under the endless sky. She loved me, sometimes I loved her too. How could one not have loved her great still eyes. Tonight I can write the saddest lines. To think that I do not have her. To feel that I have lost her. To hear the immense night, still more immense without her. And the verse falls to the soul like dew to the pasture. What does it matter that my love could not keep her. The night is starry and she is not with me. This is all. In the distance someone is singing. In the distance. My soul is not satisfied that it has lost her. My sight tries to find her as though to bring her closer. My heart looks for her, and she is not with me. The same night whitening the same trees. We, of that time, are no longer the same. I no longer love her, that’s certain, but how I loved her. My voice tried to find the wind to touch her hearing. Another’s. She will be another’s. As she was before my kisses. Her voice, her bright body. Her infinite eyes. I no longer love her, that’s certain, but maybe I love her. Love is so short, forgetting is so long. Because through nights like this one I held her in my arms my soul is not satisfied that it has lost her. Though this be the last pain that she makes me suffer and these the last verses that I write for her. Pablo Neruda

A poem from my Spanish class. Here is the version in Spanish.

It’s time for the real thing

Since yesterday I am officially all set with classes. Tuesday was the first day of classes but I had one wait listed and then “shopped” for another one. I am taking 18 credits which are 4 classes this semester: Intro to Research Methods, Abnormal Psychology, Queer Theories and Low Intermediate Spanish(intesive). I love all the classes and all professors are amazing. It’s a good mixture of small and big classes as well as Tuesdays and Thusdays are my busy days, but then I have only Spanish on Friday so I practically will have 3-day weekend every week The first three classes are pretty much reading intensive, but I am so excited for all the things I will learn that it does not bother me. Also I am not working on campus and I am taking it slower with extracurricualr activities, so it should be alright. I can’t believe how calm I am lol.

It’s great how all classes seem different but they are all connected in some way and I am working on several skills at once which was the whole idea of coming to study in the USA

D. and M. are here and it’s great to practice my Bulgarian as well to have someone I know that well so close

It’s two weeks today since I came here and I haven’t cried once nor freaked out which I consider for quite an achievement

Life is good so far

Smith and 22nd b-day :)

Here I am finally at Smith. I got here late Thursday night and the flights, the few hours of sleep and emotions had their price. I unpacked some of the stuff until 2am and crashed. Yesterday I finally saw the campus in daylight and the only thing I could say is: GORGEOUS Everything is green and there are trees everywehere. I can’t wait for fall to come Because this is pre-orienation for international students the focus of the sessions are immigration, passports, OPT, taxes, etc. Most of these things I already know, but it is still fun. Everyone is very nice and Dean T. is hilarious It’s been great to have another Bulgarian girl (she is a freshmen) here, too Last night I finally finished unpacking around midnight and my room looks nice It’s neither too big nor too small. Though my house is at the end of campus, it’s just 10 minutes from Central campus which is not bad at all.

My b-day is on a rainy day this year, but I am still having fun. I got lots of cards from the P.E.Os in California, a package, and a great bouquet from Q and R Today and tomorrow are a little slow for me because all freshmen are opening bank accounts and other things that I already have, but it’s nice to have some time before the actual orientation starts on Monday and from what I hear it’s going to be intense, but I can’t wait to meet with professors, sign up for classes and actually start classes.

It might sound unbelievable, but I am not stressed at all. I feel like I have been here before. I guess I came a little overprepared which is good

I am all set for a great semester and I am so happy to be here. I can’t wait to see D. and M. next week

End of summer ‘09

So the last week in CA is coming to an end. I have my last swimming, tennis, and piano lessons in the next 3 days, then packing on Wednesday and off to Smith on Thursday. This really was an amazing summer. It was a great balance between making some pocket money, learning new things like swimming and tennis, went through my piano pieces plus learned several new ones including my favorite “Fur Elise”, read some of the books I had on my wish list, visited interesting places, met many new people, and mainly got lots of sleep

 As it looks like so far, I will be back in Coronado for Christmas, for which I am super excited. I am really going to miss Q and R…after all this is the first real family I have ever had and it feels good I am really glad they are coming in October. Oh, I really get easily attached to people

I have to say I am a little nervous for Smith, but so far everything worked so great, that I am allowing myself to be a little superstitious and believe that it will be hard, but things will work out in the best way. Probably 2 years ago I would never have said that, but many things changed for these 2 years, including me. I am getting a little too excited and I am thinking about so many things that I have trouble sleeping, but oh well…just trying to keep the “happy thoughts” as one of my friends from Cottey used to say…

I am dreaming of great classes, making new friends, keeping the ones I already have there, finding a volunteer opportunities and research for next summer, but mainly I dream of 2 more great years of my life. It’s time to open the next chapter and see what happens there…

Smith summer reading

I finally finished my summer reading for Smith

It is a great book if you are interested in how to fix both the economy and the environment.

Van Jones does a great job combining statistics with great ideas Some of the chapters were quite an eye-opener.

Choices

I have been looking at classes lately just because I always need a plan as my roommate used to say And of course with the creation of the plan started the big choosing, thinking, wondering. What is good? What is bad? Which class is useful? Which is not? I really want to focus on Psy because for the last two years I have only 3 Psy classes and if I want to find some major-related internship/research/etc for next summer I really need some solid knowledge. At the same time, I don’t want to limit myself just to that field plus that’s why I came to US – to explore and experiment. If I wanted just Psy classes I would have just stayed in Bulgaria. But because of Smith’s credit class system it is really hard to pick more than one extra class in order not to get too overwhelmed. So with the latest update I am looking at some English literature, Acting, Drawing, Exercise, and perhaps Spanish (but I think I am leaning more and more toward “no” for the Spanish).

Ah so many choices, so little time…