I just watched this TED video and really liked it. I fully agree that a single story is always more damaging than anything else. The world we live in is so diverse that we can’t afford to associate a single story with a certain country, group of people, etc. Or if we go with the critical thinking concept – we can’t afford to just generalize and get over an issue!

In this train of thoughts, a friend of mine sent me this article which NY Times published about the situation in Bulgaria 20 years after the fall of the Berlin Wall. I have been reading various opinions connected with Nov 10th 1989 and the 20th anniversary. I have to say – I don’t know much about the whole story. I know “communism” fell (I am putting it in quites because what I learned from my Intro to Political Science class is that real form of communism did not exist even in USSR and what we had in Bulgaria was socialism) and supposedly a democracy was established. I agree that many things in Bulgaria are not great, but what about all the other things? What about the people who try to improve the situation one way or another? What about all small organizations around the country? What about all talented people in and outside of Bulgaria? Unfortunately, it is very common for people to focus on the negative and just go on and on how messed up is the country. Yes, it is messed up, but how about we do something about it and not just whine? Why can’t we make the NY Times with a story about something good that happened in Bulgaria? Some people will say that because nothing good enough happened, but though I am not there now I disagree. I still believe that not all people like “dalaveri” and there are smart and motivated people as well who care not only about what car and phone they have. I really wish there was some kind of network such people could connect. Any ideas?

Today I finally got answers on many of the questions I had about UK postgraduate schools by one of the professors from the University of Edinburg. I am pretty sure I am going to apply there next fall (the plan for year-off is still active, I can always deter admission for a year )

So the basics:

*There are two types of programs:

1) “taught masters” – one year of study of special area that prepares you for the working field

2) “research masters” – you start with a proposal for your dissertation and doctoral study. You are assigned a supervisor who works with you through the process. This is also one year and then two to three years to get your PhD (depending on the field).

*For students from EU countries the tuition varies between 3000 to 4500 pounds. They usually have housing (on or off campus), but students are responsible for meals. 130$ is the estimate per week for expenses.

*There are many teaching/research assistant positions available for PhD students.

*There are many scholarships available for EU students. Under financial aid tab, choose your country and a full list of available scholarships appear.

*Application requirements: no GRE, high GPA (it varies, depending on the program), 2 recommendations, personal statement.

*University of Edinburg is one of the most prestiguous postgraduate institutions. Check out their website for more information

Well, if you haven’t discovered it yet, iTunes offers a whole bunch of radios in various languages, periods, and styles for free

While studying for my Spanish exam I figured what better way to practice if not with movies and music. I discovered several great radios in Spanish with great music And I am especially pleased that  I could understand most of the lyrics Here is the one that is playing right now on the radio

Alejandro Sanz y Shakira – “Te Lo Agradezco Pero No”

I just found out Q. and I are going to DC for part of Spring break in March!!! That was definitely quite a surprise DC is on the top of my list with places to visit My CA mom is the best

Capitol Hill

Washington Monument

Vietnam Memorial Wall designed by Maya Lin 

Yay for family weekend <3 Q. and R.  made it here on Friday after traveling for two days Though Saturday was rainy and cold it was still fun to hang around with them. I missed them so much. It is kind of weird to have a family I miss. Since I came here two years ago, I used to miss only some of my friends while everyone else was counting down the days to go home, and now I am pretty much in the same place as everyone else I will be back in CA in two months from last Friday They came just in time – in the middle of the semester after all midterms were done It felt great to spend a day without studying and just enjoy my time I feel so energized today. I spent pretty much 10 hrs straight reading/writing today, but it was totally worth it

Proudly presenting a small example of Smith’s great professors

The Sherrerd Prize for Distinguished Teaching recipients 2009

My amazing advisor – the recipient from last year

or maybe just changing.

I had a surprise talk on the phone with one of the ghosts from the past. Yes, my dear “mom.” I am putting this in quotes because I don’t really know the person on the other side of the line. After leaving 9 years ago I have seen her 2-3 times for 2 hours and talked on the phone several times. Last time I saw her/heard from her was 4-5 years ago (I can’t remember exactly). Because I was caught by surprise (I was expecting to talk with my grandmother instead) I couldn’t react much than “I am doing alright.” Though she acted surprised, too she started chatting as if we have talked last week. I realize it was weird for both of us but still…once I hang up I just broke down and cried for probably 20 minutes. Why? Because all the pain came back. However, by the next day I was able to ignore all bad memories and keep going.

I am not writing all this so people will feel sorry for me. I write because I realized after so many years the pain is still there, but in much less amount. Usually in the past I will feel like dropped in a deep hole for a week at least. I realized she can no longer hurt me the way she used to. There is nothing more she can do that will be worse than what she has already done. She expects me to call her frequently now that I have her phone, but I am not going to. First, this is probably another one of her ‘good times’ and I don’t want to deal with all the drama in the end. Each of us has chosen her path in life and there is no coming back. She might have given birth to me, but that does not mean I need to melt from happiness every time I talk to her, even if it is every 5 years.

She told me once that she does not have “nerves to deal with us (me and my brother).” Well, she made her choice and I made mine. I have survived all these years without her and I just got used to living without such a figure in my life. Thanks to Q. I learned again what it means to have a family and a “mom.” As I have said before just because someone gave you birth does not mean they have a right to play with your life. It’s all about love and how you show that love.

I feel good and somehow I managed to reach this state when I could look on all this as just something normal and that there is no need to sit and cry. Cry for what? The past? Well, that can’t be changed for sure and I am the one who decides how the present and the future will be. And they definitely don’t include endless tears for someone who is long in the past.

According to some people I am being cruel and what-not. I am sorry, but I am just being reasonable. I have been through enough and I have no desire going back to where I am coming from. I worked very hard to reach some peace within myself and I am not giving it back.

One of my very favorite songs….

David Guetta – “Summer moon” (there is no actual video unfortunately)

A weekend full of reading and listening to some forgotten songs

A nice, lively song

Tom Boxer – “It’s a beautiful day”

What do you use Facebook for?

I use it for networking and keeping in touch with people. It’s better than email because I could easily see what is happening with my friends as well as share some pictures.

However lately my newsfeed is packed up with people’s statuses that mainly contain the f-word or anything like that. I use my account to complain sometimes, too, but I feel like people need to be more considerate what they post on their accounts such as offensive comments, drunken pictures, etc. Not only because this information could be accessed by future employers or school administration, but also it gets offensive for their own friends, too. Isn’t there something better to say than “f*** my life, f***ing this and that,” etc? How about what did you read today? What is happening in the world or around you? What are your interests? Books? Music? Quotes?

I have never done it before, but I am on a mission to filter most of the feed that appeares on my newsfeed just because I am getting tired of certain people’s whining about school and life in general. My theory is less whining and more work and life is much easier and less stressful. If you spend less time on Facebook, watching movies or getting drunk every weekend, then the work load would feel much better. I am not saying it’s easy and not stressful at all, but many people add too much drama to the already existing stress…

After all the school program is made for people and it’s not that impossible to do. If you manage your time properly, nothing is that awful and you still have enough time to sleep

I have read about the Stamford Test  in the blog of one of my friends and decided to try it. After answering several groups of broad questions and then several groups of more narrow ones, this is what my results are:

Psychology

English/Literary Studies

History Based

Politics Based

Modern Languages

Social Studies/ Science

International Studies

General Medical

Philosophy/ Theology

For the most part it is pretty accurate

is what gets you moving. Once you let the pesimistic thoughts conquer your mind, you are in trouble.

The more we focus on the negative, the more we will miss the beautiful moments around us. I notice that lately I get carried away by some of the comments some of the girls who just came in this country are making and it’s not helping us cope better at all. The more we focus on the bad things, the more bad things will occur around us. Sometimes you just need to pick your battles as my host mom says. If something is super unbearable, well ignore it. And everything else, just take it for granted and live with it. I don’t say to be passive about everything, but sometimes trying to change a whole nation’s attitutes is pretty much mission impossible. After all we are here for studying and if we can’t fit at all, we could always leave after we gradute. The world is big enough for all of us to fit somewhere

You wake up one day and go out and walk at this new strange place which feels both so familiar and so distant. People passing by you, some smiling, some caught up in their own world. You see familiar faces and say quickly the overused “Hi, how are you? I am good how are you?” and keep going. You meet people in your classes, in the dinning hall, in your house. And they are all different and also so familiar. Part of them are so caught up in studying that they don’t have time to pay attention to you, others are too caught up in partying that you don’t have the patience for them. Where do you fit? Anywhere? Supposedly here you can meet grown up people and fit in, but the opposite gets more and more obvious.

Who are you? Does anyone care? People passing by and spedning much more energy on pretending to be something they are not instead of being who they really are. Why? No idea. Life would be much easier and happier if everyone was their own self. Why creating an image that people would like? What about an image you like? Some people achieve that. Others do not. Still others are overwhelmed by expectations, they can’t afford to show their true feelings.

You wake up every day and you need to keep showing the world how strong you are. You do not have a right to complain after everything you have been through. Not many people could be where you are, so you have to be happy. They don’t see you the way you want. They see you always smiling, always going through difficulties, always achieving. But no one sees your tears at night. No one sees the pain inside.

You have the music, the books, the piano. But they can’t answer your countless questions about yourself and the world around.

It’s fall. The trees are changing their colors. The sky is changing. The air is changing. You are changing.

PARTING

THERE’S no use in weeping,
Though we are condemned to part:
There’s such a thing as keeping
A remembrance in one’s heart:

There’s such a thing as dwelling
On the thought ourselves have nurs’d,
And with scorn and courage telling
The world to do its worst.

We’ll not let its follies grieve us,
We’ll just take them as they come;
And then every day will leave us
A merry laugh for home.

When we’ve left each friend and brother,
When we’re parted wide and far,
We will think of one another,
As even better than we are.

Every glorious sight above us,
Every pleasant sight beneath,
We’ll connect with those that love us,
Whom we truly love till death !

In the evening, when we’re sitting
By the fire perchance alone,
Then shall heart with warm heart meeting,
Give responsive tone for tone.

We can burst the bonds which chain us,
Which cold human hands have wrought,
And where none shall dare restrain us
We can meet again, in thought.

So there’s no use in weeping,
Bear a cheerful spirit still;
Never doubt that Fate is keeping
Future good for present ill !

You can find this and more poems here.

Vanessa Mae – Toccata and Fugue

On a classical music wave these days…

Why do you go to college? What do you want to take away on graduation day? What is college all about? Just studying? Just partying? I don’t think so. As I have said million types in all the types of motivational essays I have wirtten in the last year and even before that college is about experience, learning about the world around you and learning about yourself. Who are you? Who do you want to be? I have been trying to answer all these questions since I could remember and in my junior year I still don’t have the full answer. But one thing I know for sure is you need BALANCE! No matter what are you doing, you need balance. If you let panick and fear to get to you, you are done. Once you start freaking out how much work you need to do, you get caught up in the vicous circle of sleepless nights, little social life, and mainly loneliness and despair. I have been there, I know how it is. And though I have learned a lot for the 2 years at CC, I still let people’s panick to get me. Why? Well, maybe because I have invested so much in all this that I want to take the most out of it. Why do I need high grades? Well, my scholarships depend on them, but also being on a full scholarship I feel this obligation of “paying off” by doing as much as possible. Yes, but crying to sleep because you feel overwhelmed or desperate is not a good pay off. A good pay off is to leave this college with a smile on my face and desire for even more studying and eventually changing the world. Because unfortunatelly from CC I left with this bitter feeling of exhaustion and memories of running around all day and feeling like dead most of the time. And for what? Yes, I got into a great college and I got all these scholarships, but could I have done it with a little less stress? Well, we will never know

And here comes the controvercy. If we don’t push our selves to our limits, how will we develop? If we don’t constantly challenge ourselves how will we discover new skills and ideas? I guess we need the skill of challenging ourselves within limits

What promted this post are just ideas from the last several days. It’s been just 2 weeks of school and I have already read tons of stuff, which I greatly enjoy. I am just worried how much of that material is going to stay. Plus, though I promised myself to wait, thoughts about graduate school, GRE (which for my dread is like SAT, it was a good slap in the face when I realized that last night), OPT, year off (maybe), etc. I guess because everything is so great here I need to find something to worry about as always. It’s high time to start listening myself to the advices I give other people and start enjoying my time because time flies like crazy and it depends on me with what feelings I will leave from here  in 2 years.

I worked hard for this and I am on a mission to get the most out of it with as much positive emotions as possible. I hope everyone else who is in college thinks that way, too

PABLO NERUDA

Poem # 20

Twenty Love Poems: And a Song of Despair

A poem from my Spanish class. Here is the version in Spanish.

Since yesterday I am officially all set with classes. Tuesday was the first day of classes but I had one wait listed and then “shopped” for another one. I am taking 18 credits which are 4 classes this semester: Intro to Research Methods, Abnormal Psychology, Queer Theories and Low Intermediate Spanish(intesive). I love all the classes and all professors are amazing. It’s a good mixture of small and big classes as well as Tuesdays and Thusdays are my busy days, but then I have only Spanish on Friday so I practically will have 3-day weekend every week The first three classes are pretty much reading intensive, but I am so excited for all the things I will learn that it does not bother me. Also I am not working on campus and I am taking it slower with extracurricualr activities, so it should be alright. I can’t believe how calm I am lol.

It’s great how all classes seem different but they are all connected in some way and I am working on several skills at once which was the whole idea of coming to study in the USA

D. and M. are here and it’s great to practice my Bulgarian as well to have someone I know that well so close

It’s two weeks today since I came here and I haven’t cried once nor freaked out which I consider for quite an achievement

Life is good so far

Here I am finally at Smith. I got here late Thursday night and the flights, the few hours of sleep and emotions had their price. I unpacked some of the stuff until 2am and crashed. Yesterday I finally saw the campus in daylight and the only thing I could say is: GORGEOUS Everything is green and there are trees everywehere. I can’t wait for fall to come Because this is pre-orienation for international students the focus of the sessions are immigration, passports, OPT, taxes, etc. Most of these things I already know, but it is still fun. Everyone is very nice and Dean T. is hilarious It’s been great to have another Bulgarian girl (she is a freshmen) here, too Last night I finally finished unpacking around midnight and my room looks nice It’s neither too big nor too small. Though my house is at the end of campus, it’s just 10 minutes from Central campus which is not bad at all.

My b-day is on a rainy day this year, but I am still having fun. I got lots of cards from the P.E.Os in California, a package, and a great bouquet from Q and R Today and tomorrow are a little slow for me because all freshmen are opening bank accounts and other things that I already have, but it’s nice to have some time before the actual orientation starts on Monday and from what I hear it’s going to be intense, but I can’t wait to meet with professors, sign up for classes and actually start classes.

It might sound unbelievable, but I am not stressed at all. I feel like I have been here before. I guess I came a little overprepared which is good

I am all set for a great semester and I am so happy to be here. I can’t wait to see D. and M. next week